What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a carpenter? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Specializes in finish work | Adds a final coat of spit-up to every outfit
About
No issue is too small for me to escalate directly to the top of the household. I can now hold my head perfectly plumb for three whole seconds, and the crew cheers like it's a bubble dead center on the level. I'm still onboarding, yet the whole household already reports directly to me.
Experience
Staff Program Manager of Laundry Generation
Crib Mobile Kinetics · Present · 1 mo
- Contested every nail trim through formal channels, at maximum volume.
- Took on every grown-up in the house as an apprentice in week one and trained each in the fine craft of the 3 a.m. sway.
- Maintained perfect attendance at every overnight feeding for 8 straight weeks, clocking in early more than half the time.
- Raised household hand-washing frequency by 400%, driven almost entirely by diaper changes.
Skills
Ceiling-fan relationship management · Same-second service expectations · Vocal range
Endorsement
“Can tell when a hold is off level by a single degree and calls for a redo on the spot.”
Recommendation
Maya's morning stretch takes a full minute and involves every limb. Nobody here takes their wellness program more seriously.The Wipes Dispenser
Latest post
Honored to receive the Most Wake-Ups award three weeks running. #Recognition
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Cordless model | Runs all afternoon on a 20-minute charge
About
I inspect every piece of furniture at eye level, running a hand along each edge and testing the finish with one long, thorough lick. I fit into the crook of any grown-up's neck like a perfect dovetail joint: snug, seamless, and no glue required. I yawn like someone coming off a double shift, then stay on the clock for another full hour.
Experience
Master Woodworker of Work-From-Home Interruptions
Burp Cloth Holdings · Present · 3 mos
- Completed a 30-day in-home trial of dropped-toy delegation and auto-renewed without consulting the household.
- Drifted a full 90 degrees out of alignment in the crib every night, despite a perfectly level install at bedtime.
- Co-authored 100% of leadership's handwritten notes this quarter by seizing the pen mid-sentence.
- Gave the coffee table a hand-distressed finish in a single afternoon, working entirely with one spoon.
Skills
Client-facing composure · Hand-applied drool finishes · Whole-house furniture stress testing
Endorsement
“Can tell when a hold is off level by a single degree and calls for a redo on the spot.”
Recommendation
Skyler tries every block in every hole of the shape sorter before settling on the right one. Measure twice, cut once? Try eleven times.The Bassinet
Latest post
Leadership asked when to expect my loudest update of the day. After careful review, it will now go out on the last beep of the camera timer. #Scheduling
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Custom storage solutions | The TV remote now lives in a rain boot
About
I value quality over quantity and would rather chew on one good wooden spoon all afternoon than touch any toy on the shelf. I consistently deliver ahead of schedule, usually moments after a fresh diaper goes on. Each of my yawns is a loading screen for the next nap, though the nap doesn't always finish loading.
Experience
Lead Carpenter of Pre-Dawn Stakeholder Engagement
Sleep Regression Research Institute · Present · 11 mos
- Drove the same wooden peg flush 200 times in one afternoon, flipping the bench over to start again after every round.
- Opened and closed the same cabinet door 75 times to confirm the hinges were up to spec.
- Drifted a full 90 degrees out of alignment in the crib every night, despite a perfectly level install at bedtime.
- Tested every tabletop in the house for level by pouring out a full cup of water and watching which way it ran.
Skills
Strategic drooling · Giggle-based customer retention · Drawer hardware inspections
Endorsement
“Big on work-life integration. Every laptop session now comes with Theo on the lap.”
Recommendation
In this house, Theo is the general contractor and everyone else is a subcontractor. Assignments go out by crying, pointing, or both, and somehow every job gets done.The Creaky Floorboard
Latest post
Leadership asked for a bite of my toast. After a thorough review, I've offered them the soggiest corner. #Partnership
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The carpenter profile also fits furniture maker.
