What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a CEO? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Imani
6 weeks old · Future CEO
Master delegator | I've even outsourced holding up my own head
About
I represent the household on the advisory board of Play Yard Properties, and my only agenda item is being held. I conduct thorough due diligence on every face that enters the room, usually without blinking. My calendar is remarkably full for someone who sleeps most of the day: feeds, changes, photo shoots, and visitors, back to back.
Experience
Curator of Unscheduled Releases
Spit-Up Containment LLC · Present · 1 mo
- Answered all 40 surprise noises this month with both arms flung wide, the classic executive gesture for 'Who approved this?'
- Captured 100% market share of leadership's attention in week one and has not ceded a point since.
- Onboarded 14 visitors in one week, each fully trained in the approved bounce before leaving.
- Named the exposed brick wall sole entertainment supplier for three straight quarters, no bids taken.
Skills
Lullaby demand generation · Corner-office nap privileges · Pacifier relaunch requests
Endorsement
“Can turn a five-minute errand into a full fiscal quarter.”
Recommendation
Every evening, the shareholders gather around Imani to review the day's results: one new squeak, a very long stretch, and a sneeze that surprised everyone. Each figure is met with gasps of delight. I've never seen a board this pleased with its chief executive.The Doorbell
Latest post
I'm humbled to announce I've completed my first month in the role. Grateful to leadership for their patience. #OneMonthIn
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Marlowe
6 mos old · Future CEO
Serves on several boards | All of them books, most of them slightly chewed
About
Like any top executive, I have people for that: getting dressed, getting burped, and getting from one room to the next. I keep a close eye on the competition, studying every other baby at the park with complete, unblinking focus. I represent the household on the advisory board of Onesie Global, and my only agenda item is being held.
Experience
Executive Vice President of Crib Mobile Analytics
Wake Window Advisors · Present · 3 mos
- Kept leadership in a 90-minute closed session by falling asleep on a lap nobody dared to move.
- Completed a hostile takeover of the tissue box and rejected every buyback offer from leadership.
Skills
Chairing meetings from the high chair · Setting the whole household's agenda · Executive presence in the stroller
Endorsement
“Arrives at every gathering like a true VIP: carried in, fast asleep, and instantly surrounded.”
Recommendation
On the subject of tummy time, Marlowe has shared their position clearly, repeatedly, and at volume. I respect a stakeholder who leads with the headline.The Baby Bathtub
Latest post
Pleased to share I've been named Chief Brand Officer at Play Gym Worldwide. First priorities: a new logo, a catchier jingle, and a nap I will not be taking. #NewRole
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Keeps the board on its toes | Literally, during every nap
About
I pivoted away from bananas overnight after months of strong performance and have not explained the decision to the board. I keep a close eye on the competition, studying every other baby at the park with complete, unblinking focus. I oppose all wearable tech, a category that, by my definition, includes hats, mittens, and sunglasses.
Experience
Executive Vice President of Nap Operations
Peekaboo Transparency Initiative · Present · 11 mos
- Filed 40 pickup requests before breakfast, each submitted by raising both arms overhead.
- Reorganized the kitchen into a flatter structure, moving 14 pots, 6 lids, and one colander down to floor level.
- Resolved every open issue upon being picked up, then reopened all tickets upon being put down.
Skills
Chairing meetings from the high chair · Setting the whole household's agenda · Executive presence in the stroller
Endorsement
“Comes back from every walk with a full supply run: 14 sticks, three rocks, one excellent leaf.”
Recommendation
When Jalen has feedback, the whole household hears it within seconds. Transparency like that is rare at any level of the org.The TV Remote
Latest post
Sharing my Q4 OKRs: 1) Open the snack drawer unassisted. 2) Say 'truck' to every truck. 3) Stay awake for the entire party. Aiming high. #OKRs
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The CEO profile also fits board director, chief executive officer, chief marketing officer, chief operating officer, chief of staff.
