What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a chief people officer? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Hiring rockstars only | Rocking chair experience strongly preferred
About
A champion of flexible seating, I've worked from the bassinet, the bouncer, the carrier, and leadership's arms, all before lunch. I review leadership's swaddling technique nightly, and so far only the third attempt of any evening has met expectations. No issue is too small for me to escalate directly to the top of the household.
Experience
Manager of Burp Yield Optimization
Lullaby Broadcasting Network · Present · 1 mo
- Expanded my personnel file to 4,000 photos in one quarter, 3,900 of them nearly identical.
- Cross-trained leadership in 5 bouncing techniques, approving only the one that involves deep squats.
- Instituted a standing policy of scheduling diaper blowouts just past the last exit for twenty miles.
Skills
Cuddle-first benefits package · Bent-elbow sleeve defense · Primary research on own hands
Endorsement
“Holds eye contact like someone who has already read the whole contract.”
Recommendation
Every company claims its people are its greatest asset. This household means it: Leo has leadership's full attention, both of their arms, and, as of this morning, their last clean shirt.The Wipes Dispenser
Latest post
Currently operating under 14 different usernames, including Bean, Nugget, and Captain Squish. Leadership insists it's all one account. #Identity
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Leads with empathy | Joins right in the moment any other baby in the room starts crying
About
I run a truly people-first organization, where every household decision now begins with a whispered 'Is the baby asleep?' I require a full background check before any new hire may hold me, and I send most applicants back within seconds. I take professional development seriously and have personally chewed through the corners of every board book in the house.
Experience
Fractional Culture Officer of Learning & Drooling
Play Gym Worldwide · Present · 3 mos
- Implemented a strict clean-desk policy on the high-chair tray, clearing 100% of peas to the floor within 4 minutes.
- Cross-trained leadership in 5 bouncing techniques, approving only the one that involves deep squats.
Skills
Cuddle-first benefits package · Grocery-store cold outreach · Employee engagement via peekaboo
Endorsement
“Asks every new face the classic interview question, silently: where do you see yourself in five minutes?”
Recommendation
Ellis' morning stretch takes a full minute and involves every limb. Nobody here takes their wellness program more seriously.The Baby Gate
Latest post
Big news: I've replaced the household alarm clock. Better reliability, no snooze button, and no need to be plugged in. #Upgrade
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Files a formal grievance at every car-seat buckle | Case remains open
About
My device policy is strict: any phone that comes within reach is immediately reclassified as company property. I enjoy access to a premium on-site nap pod and, as a matter of policy, use it for about twenty minutes at a time. Every month I celebrate a work anniversary with a commemorative photo shoot, which I tolerate for about four seconds.
Experience
Steward of High Chair Offboarding
Changing Table Onboarding Associates · Present · 11 mos
- Negotiated a pay-for-performance plan of one sticker per task and earned 140 stickers in a week, most now on the dishwasher.
- Reorganized the kitchen into a flatter structure, moving 14 pots, 6 lids, and one colander down to floor level.
- Put a brand-new diaper into production within 30 seconds of installation.
- Awarded leadership a toy block as a performance bonus, then exercised the clawback provision four seconds later.
Skills
Unsolicited laptop edits · Open-door policy, bathroom included · Pick-up-to-calm conversion rates
Endorsement
“Takes full ownership of the elevator button. Any grown-up who presses it first will be hearing about it.”
Recommendation
Put Maya in any room and every grown-up in the house drifts in after, with nobody quite remembering why they left the other one. That's a true center of gravity.The Wipes Dispenser
Latest post
Blocked off the whole afternoon for blue-sky thinking. Lay on the grass, watched the clouds, and pointed at every airplane. Highly recommend. #DeepWork
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
