What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a consultant? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Works shoulder to shoulder with the client | Every burp delivered in person
About
I can spend twenty minutes staring at a blank patch of wall, the way top strategists stare at an empty whiteboard right before the big idea. I treat every chat like a discovery call, listening intently and cooing back thoughtful follow-up questions. My communication style is answer-first: the cry comes immediately, and the reason is shared later, if at all.
Experience
Pre-Verbal Operations Analyst of Hiccup Research and Development
Bedtime Routine Management · Present · 1 mo
- Streamlined all household communication down to one word, 'shhh,' now used 400+ times a day.
- Triggered a full capacity review of the car trunk, which now holds one stroller, one diaper bag, and zero groceries.
- Increased the household's outdoor hours by 300% after proving that one step outside ends almost any fuss.
- Made 12 surprise cameo appearances on leadership's video calls this month, each rated the highlight of the meeting.
Skills
On-site observation of the grown-ups · Billable-hour cuddles · Full-body stretch goals
Endorsement
“Truly best-in-class at overnight sound design. We've started billing it out to other households.”
Recommendation
Visitors arrive with a to-do list and leave an hour later, having done nothing but hold Imani. Whatever that service is, it should be billable.The Diaper Pail
Latest post
Excited to share my latest case study: front-carrier ride-alongs. Results were significant. Methodology remains proprietary. #CaseStudy
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Bills leadership daily in cuddles | Terms: due now, late fees at full volume
About
I've reviewed every chapter of leadership's baby books and found a documented exception to each one, a rare talent for challenging best practices. I've trained every grown-up in the house on the standard operating procedure: fed, changed, burped, and, if all else fails, a slow lap of the hallway. I treat every chat like a discovery call, listening intently and cooing back thoughtful follow-up questions.
Experience
Founder of Teething Due Diligence
Burp Cloth Holdings · Present · 3 mos
- Increased client face time 300% by objecting the instant anyone reached for a phone.
- Triggered a full capacity review of the car trunk, which now holds one stroller, one diaper bag, and zero groceries.
- Logged 900 billable hours this quarter, nearly all of them spent being held.
- Conducted 25 in-person check-ins a day, each one opened with a firm tug on the nearest grown-up's pant leg.
Skills
Bedtime routine restructuring · Billable-hour cuddles · Toy-box deep-dive audits
Endorsement
“Ran the numbers on every cry in the catalog and now uses only the one with the fastest response time.”
Recommendation
Since Reese came on board, leadership has learned to take calls, send proposals, and eat lunch with one hand. I've never seen a client drive that kind of productivity.The Key Ring
Latest post
Shared some candid feedback today, over the shoulder and directly onto a freshly washed shirt. My door is always open. #Feedback
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Root cause analyst | Pulls every tissue to find out where they come from
About
I maintain a strictly prioritized backlog of things to grab: phones first, remotes second, and the stack of paperwork whenever capacity allows. I've been staffed full-time on the pair of glasses since breakfast and have no plans to roll off the project. I present a compelling business case for every cookie: one point, one 'please,' and a pair of very big eyes.
Experience
Principal Consultant of Mealtime Process Reengineering
Tissue Box Excavation Ltd. · Present · 11 mos
- Completed a 30-day in-home trial of mouth-based due diligence and auto-renewed without consulting the household.
- Triggered a full capacity review of the car trunk, which now holds one stroller, one diaper bag, and zero groceries.
- Vetoed every over-the-head outfit change within milliseconds of the proposal.
Skills
Toy-box deep-dive audits · Bedtime routine restructuring · Billable-hour cuddles
Endorsement
“Spots trends early. Two bath nights in, the sound of running water already meant splash time.”
Recommendation
Jalen does not need help with shoes, spoons, or zippers, and has asked leadership to step back and trust the process.The Creaky Floorboard
Latest post
Excited to share that I've been staffed on a new engagement: the laundry basket. Early findings suggest everything in it belongs on the floor. #NewEngagement
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The consultant profile also fits business analyst, management consultant, operations analyst, strategy consultant.
