What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a landscaper? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Detailed record-keeper | Every outfit carries a full record of the day's meals
About
My warmest smile is reserved for 4 a.m., right as leadership's resolve starts to slip. At 3 a.m., I fire up the loudest equipment on the block, with no regard for the local noise ordinance. Nobody in the organization can hold eye contact with the ceiling fan longer than I can.
Experience
Night-Shift Landscape Designer of Just-in-Time Diaper Deliveries
Spit-Up Valley Irrigation · Present · 1 mo
- Called an unscheduled all-hands halfway up the stairs with a full laundry basket, with 100% attendance.
- Logged more hours outdoors in the first 3 months than most office workers manage all year, nearly all of them asleep.
Skills
Full-body stretch goals · Mid-change surprise deliverables · White-noise vendor loyalty
Endorsement
“Gives refreshingly honest feedback on song choice, always within the first verse.”
Recommendation
Every good crew leaves a site better than it found it. Ava does the same with every grown-up in this house: calmer, softer, far more patient, and signed off with a little drool on the collar.The Diaper Bag
Latest post
Ran a training for every grown-up in the house today: Burping 101. All attendees passed. Burping 201, the surprise burp ten minutes later, launches tomorrow. #Upskilling
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Daily stroller tour of the district | Inspects every tree overhead
About
I run the household's early-warning system: one very serious, very focused face that means a diaper change is coming. I hand out warm, encouraging smiles in my sleep, and leadership has chosen to count every one as positive feedback. I approach every grown-up's hair like an overgrown flower bed: one firm grip, one strong pull, and a proud look at the results.
Experience
Senior Landscape Designer of Hiccup Incident Management
Blackout Curtain Industries · Present · 3 mos
- Drove 10,000% year-over-year growth in the household photo library.
- Cleared a 3-foot site around the picnic blanket every weekend, pulling up each blade of grass by hand.
- Increased household laundry to 3 loads a day, up 200% since day one.
- Took soil samples from all 6 houseplants in one afternoon and spread each across the living room rug for further analysis.
Skills
Leaf-blower-level vocals · Full-coverage drool irrigation · Fistful-by-fistful lawn inspections
Endorsement
“Reliably ships the biggest deliverables just as the burp cloth is set down.”
Recommendation
I've worked alongside Sage every night since day one. Tireless. Demanding. A born leader.The High Chair
Latest post
Public service announcement: I've discovered a new sound. It's very high, very loud, and I'll be using it all week. #PSA
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Mulch specialist | Lays a thick, even layer of crumbs under the high chair
About
I conduct thorough due diligence on every face that enters the room, usually without blinking. Skip a page of a bedtime story and I'll catch it, sending the job straight back for rework. I set the dress code personally and have overruled leadership on footwear more than once.
Experience
Distinguished Grounds Supervisor of Household Key Management
Bib & Spoon Partners · Present · 11 mos
- Cleared a 3-foot circle of grass around the picnic blanket in under 5 minutes, bare-handed.
- Personally reseeded the entire lawn with dandelions, one enthusiastic puff at a time.
- Spearheaded a cross-functional initiative to empty every kitchen drawer.
Skills
Full-coverage drool irrigation · Same-second service expectations · Fistful-by-fistful lawn inspections
Endorsement
“Puts in an honest day's work in the sandbox: dig, haul, dump, and start over, with no breaks and no complaints.”
Recommendation
Anyone who works outdoors learns to dress in layers. Ezra has learned to shed them: first the hat, then a mitten, then both socks, all before the end of the block. Nobody on the crew adapts to conditions faster.The Changing Table
Latest post
Reminder to the household: nap time is a focus block. Please hold all blending, cabinet-slamming, and loud sneezing until further notice. #FocusTime
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The landscaper profile also fits arborist, greenhouse worker, groundskeeper, horticulturist.
