What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a politician? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Runs message testing on every cry | Keeps whichever one gets results fastest
About
I accompany leadership on every errand as part of the official delegation, usually fast asleep in the carrier. I fall sound asleep every time leadership rehearses a talk out loud, which leadership has wisely chosen to count as a rave review. I've collected more official titles than most career public servants, and the household adds a new nickname every week.
Experience
Deputy Policy Director of Overnight Filibusters
Department of Naptime Affairs · Present · 1 mo
- Filed a formal complaint against 100% of baths in the first month, then withdrew it and requested longer sessions.
- Took flexible time zone management from a side project to the household's top strategic priority in under a month.
- Moved to adjourn at 7 p.m. sharp, then reconvened the full committee at 7:40 for further discussion.
- Approved naps only under a continuous bounce-and-sway protocol, no exceptions.
Skills
Photo ops with every visitor · Creaky-floorboard detection · Cuddle-first culture
Endorsement
“Every quick errand with Leo now requires an advance team and forty minutes of prep. Worth it.”
Recommendation
Leo runs on strict wake windows. Stay inside them and everything runs beautifully; go ninety seconds over and the whole system goes down hard.The Now-Retired Alarm Clock
Latest post
Big thanks to the grown-up who handled my 2 a.m. diaper change in total darkness, one-handed, without a word. The dedication of our public servants never ceases to amaze me. #PublicService
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Open hearing every evening from 5 to 7 | Testimony is loud and ongoing
About
I never make a public appearance without my chief of staff, a well-loved stuffed bear who has sat in on every errand this year. I open a public comment period on every trip to the grocery store, and no shopper in line has yet declined to weigh in. I accompany leadership on every errand as part of the official delegation, usually fast asleep in the carrier.
Experience
Supervisor of Photo Opportunities
Sippy Cup Holdings · Present · 3 mos
- Kept leadership in a 90-minute closed session by falling asleep on a lap nobody dared to move.
- Called an unscheduled all-hands at the first bite of a warm dinner, with 100% attendance.
- Cut the ribbon on 12 new toys this year, then spent every afternoon playing with the box.
Skills
Stump speeches from the high chair · Photo ops with every visitor · Campaign-style waving at strangers
Endorsement
“Writes their own applause lines, then leads the clapping personally.”
Recommendation
Dinner in this house used to be served at 6. Since Riley took office, it's served whenever a grown-up has a free hand, usually around 9, often standing at the counter. Bold reform, and it passed without a single objection.The Play Gym
Latest post
Hosted a community listening session at 3 a.m. Turnout was small, but everyone who came was deeply engaged. #CommunityListening
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Calls every meal to order | Gavel: one spoon. Chamber: the high chair.
About
I employ a full-time press secretary: any question a stranger asks me gets answered, in a tiny voice, by whoever is holding me. I travel with a full security detail at the playground, which mostly consists of one grown-up hovering at the bottom of every slide. I believe every board book deserves a first reading, a second reading, and about forty more before it can go back on the shelf.
Experience
Mobile Policy Director of Sock Deregulation
Interagency Task Force on Teething · Present · 11 mos
- Exhausted the household's annual wipe budget by the end of Q1 and filed a supplemental appropriations request.
- Renewed the same board book for a 38th consecutive read, citing strong performance.
- Moved to adjourn at 7 p.m. sharp, then reconvened the full committee at 7:40 for further discussion.
- Issued 60 official statements a day, each one reading, in full, 'I did it!'
Skills
Strict banana-integrity standards · Veto power over vegetables · Tissue box liquidation
Endorsement
“Masterful at damage control. Knocks down the whole tower, then gives the builder a big hug.”
Recommendation
By order of Maya, every round object in sight has been officially renamed 'ball,' including the moon, two oranges, and the kitchen clock. The decision is final, and no appeals are being heard.The Wipes Dispenser
Latest post
Held bilateral talks with another baby at the library today. Twenty minutes of intense babbling. Both sides left satisfied, and one side left with the other's sock. #Diplomacy
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The politician profile also fits city council member, legislative aide, legislator, mayor.
