What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a ship captain? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Smooth sailing in anyone's arms | Choppy seas in the bassinet
About
I keep both little fists clenched tight, like a deckhand holding two lines in a stiff wind, and let go only once I'm fast asleep. I'm known for strong opinions, communicated at volume. I conduct thorough due diligence on every face that enters the room, usually without blinking.
Experience
Deputy First Mate of Overnight Watch
Burp Cloth Holdings · Present · 1 mo
- Put the whole crew on a strict 3-hour watch rotation, day and night, and rang the bell personally at the start of every shift.
- Placed 240 galley orders in my first month aboard, every one marked urgent and most of them after midnight.
- Lodged a formal complaint within 30 seconds of every tummy-time session.
- Rolled out a household-wide sniff check, now performed 20 times a day with a 95% accuracy rate.
Skills
All-hands-on-deck diaper changes · Calm-water rocking requirements · Pre-dawn kickoffs
Endorsement
“Does not tolerate being put on hold. Not for a second, not even for a bathroom break.”
Recommendation
Naomi runs on strict wake windows. Stay inside them and everything runs beautifully; go ninety seconds over and the whole system goes down hard.The Washing Machine
Latest post
Today's voyage: three ports of call (the bakery, the post office, and the hardware store), all slept through in the best berth on the ship, a carrier on a grown-up's chest. Highly recommend. #PortsOfCall
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Reply-all on every update | One 2 a.m. whimper, and the whole house is looped in
About
I've quietly become the household's most-used device: picked up hundreds of times a day, never once left on silent. I only settle in one set of conditions: a gentle, steady swell, which the crew now provides by hand, around the clock. My bath times are high-impact, with results felt by anyone within splashing range.
Experience
Seasoned Captain of Applied Gravity
Burp Cloth Holdings · Present · 3 mos
- Ensured full compliance with the 'never wake a sleeping baby' guideline by handling every wake-up personally.
- Untied every shoelace in the house within 30 seconds of it being tied, keeping the whole crew's knot skills sharp.
- Cut every grown-up's shower down to a 4-minute weather window, with no extensions granted.
- Drilled 100% of the crew to sway on command; they now sway in grocery lines while holding nothing at all.
Skills
Under-couch fishing expeditions · Delayed burp release · Minimum bounce-rate requirements
Endorsement
“An excellent sounding board. Every idea you share gets a thoughtful hiccup.”
Recommendation
As soon as music starts, Jordan drops everything to bounce along. Buy-in like that usually takes a full quarter.The White Noise Machine
Latest post
Captain's log, day 140: Discovered two small crew members at the end of my legs. They report for duty every time my socks come off. #CaptainsLog
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Moves the needle | Also the pen, the phone, and everyone's glasses
About
I'm now expanding into new markets, including the territory under the couch. I work the living room like a busy port: loading every block into the bin, unloading every block onto the floor, then starting the next shift. I'm open to opportunities in sea legs on dry land, provided the package includes unlimited cuddles and a flexible nap policy.
Experience
Superintendent of Overnight Watch
Missing Sock Recovery Services · Present · 11 mos
- Called an unscheduled all-hands the one time the diaper bag stayed home, with 100% attendance.
- Untied every shoelace in the house within 30 seconds of it being tied, keeping the whole crew's knot skills sharp.
Skills
Furniture-to-furniture commuting · Rubber-duck fleet command · Under-couch fishing expeditions
Endorsement
“Puts in a rush order for cuddles partway through a crowded elevator ride, every time.”
Recommendation
Like every good fisher, Liam comes home from each walk with a story, and it grows with every telling: this morning's 'big dog' was, by dinner, a 'BIG BIG dog,' both arms stretched as wide as they go.The Hooded Towel
Latest post
Leadership keeps saying I'll 'sleep like a baby.' I've reviewed the policy in full and can find no such requirement. #Compliance
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The ship captain profile also fits commercial fisher, deckhand, harbor pilot.
