What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a therapist? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Sleep hygiene advocate | Audits leadership's sleep at 3 a.m. sharp
About
Every afternoon I reach the top of the hierarchy of needs: fed, burped, dry, and fully self-actualized in a warm pair of arms. I display open body language whenever startled, flinging both arms wide and spreading every finger, fully receptive to whatever comes next. I prefer diaper changes to be client-led, which means I set the pace, the agenda, and the amount of kicking.
Experience
Staff Psychologist of After-Hours Escalations
Crib Mobile Kinetics · Present · 1 mo
- Received 100+ strengths-based compliments a week, accepting each one with a modest yawn.
- Responded to 100% of leadership's open-ended questions with a long, thoughtful stare and no further comment.
Skills
Sit-down detection · Executive-level staring · Wide-eyed active listening
Endorsement
“Knows the power of a well-timed pause: stops crying just long enough for everyone to relax.”
Recommendation
Everyone who meets Jonah says the same thing: old soul. After one of those calm, knowing stares, I understand why. Would refer to anyone.The Stroller
Latest post
Just approved a new rocking cadence for leadership. Slower was rejected. Faster was rejected. The current tempo remains under review. #Iteration
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Late-cancels at least one nap a day | Always well inside the 24-hour window
About
I practice reflective listening at an advanced level, cooing back every time someone speaks and then pausing politely for a reply. Every afternoon I reach the top of the hierarchy of needs: fed, burped, dry, and fully self-actualized in a warm pair of arms. I show little interest in company-issued toys and a strong preference for whatever leadership is using.
Experience
Lead Counselor of Warm Handoffs
Spit-Up Stain Solutions · Present · 3 mos
- Received 100+ strengths-based compliments a week, accepting each one with a modest yawn.
- Logged 2,000 clinical hours in full-body stretch goals, with leadership supervising every single one.
- Increased household mindfulness 300%, with every grown-up now stopping everything to watch me sleep.
- Unpacked a full box of tissues onto the floor, one at a time, keeping them within easy reach for every future session.
Skills
Fifty-minute cuddle sessions · Wide-eyed active listening · Advanced nonverbal communication
Endorsement
“Remarkably emotionally available, especially when anyone steps into the shower.”
Recommendation
Grown-ups here who never sang a note now make up songs about socks, diapers, and bath time on the spot. Hayden has a real gift for drawing out hidden talents. That's empowerment.The Rocking Chair
Latest post
Appointment reminder: your 2 a.m. session with me is confirmed. No need to reply. I'll be in touch, loudly. #AppointmentReminder
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Zero-tolerance no-show policy | Anyone who says 'be right back' had better be
About
Gentle accountability is my approach: any grown-up who says 'one minute' gets a loud follow-up about twenty seconds later. I'm deeply committed to mindful eating, giving every bite a close inspection and a thorough squish before swallowing anything. I model self-care without apology: I nap when tired, eat when hungry, and ask to be held the second the mood strikes.
Experience
Staff Psychologist of Nonverbal Communication
Pacifier Peer Support · Present · 11 mos
- Provided peer support at 5 playdates this month, handing every upset toddler a toy, usually my least favorite one.
- Intercepted 100% of leadership's attempts to finish a note by seizing the pen within 3 seconds.
- Completed 60 warm handoffs of the same toy in one hour, reclaiming it after each transfer.
- Logged 2,000 clinical hours in wide-eyed active listening, with leadership supervising every single one.
Skills
Firm boundary setting · Processing big feelings out loud · Fifty-minute cuddle sessions
Endorsement
“Keeps every conversation going with a thoughtful 'mm-hmm,' usually through a mouthful of banana.”
Recommendation
To Amara, every diaper change is a fresh start: no judgment, no baggage, just a clean slate for everyone involved. More of us could learn from that.The Cardboard Box
Latest post
Today's affirmation: I am loved, I am capable, and I am not wearing the hat. #Affirmations
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The therapist profile also fits art therapist, behavior technician, marriage and family therapist, mental health counselor, music therapist, psychologist, rehabilitation counselor, school counselor, school psychologist, substance abuse counselor.
