What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an accountant? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Nap forecast owner | Variance to plan: all of it
About
I practice full and timely disclosure: every diaper update is announced to the entire room. I'm known for strong opinions, communicated at volume. I push back hard on any initiative that involves pulling something over my head.
Experience
Manager of Hiccup Incident Management
Changing Table Consulting · Present · 1 mo
- Closed the books every night at 7 p.m., then reopened them for review at 11, 2, and 4.
- Submitted a timesheet showing 16 hours of sleep a day, none of them logged between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m.
- Named Employee of the Month at Missing Sock Recovery Bureau every month, with a photo on every wall to prove it.
Skills
Full-body stretch goals · Minimum bounce-rate requirements · Firm-handshake fundamentals
Endorsement
“Strong in every interview: steady eye contact, a warm smile, then a little spit-up on the interviewer.”
Recommendation
From sound asleep to both arms straight out in under a second: whatever the issue, Amara's response time is outstanding.The Now-Retired Alarm Clock
Latest post
Spent the day studying leadership's face up close. Strong fundamentals. Moving forward to a second round of review. #Analysis
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Permanent busy season | Late nights, early starts, and coffee reheated three times
About
I oversee the finances at White Noise Media Group, where wipes are now the single largest line item. I've flagged the indoors as a material weakness: every fuss clears up the moment someone steps outside. I oppose all wearable tech, a category that, by my definition, includes hats, mittens, and sunglasses.
Experience
Steward of Tummy Time Grievances
Peekaboo Transparency Initiative · Present · 3 mos
- Evaluated 6 pacifier vendors in one week and rejected all 6 within seconds.
- Converted 100% of the household's hot coffee to iced coffee, no ice required.
- Posted a recurring hiccup entry after every meal for 90 straight days without missing a single posting.
Skills
Dump-the-bin inventory counts · Crumb-trail record keeping · Receipt shredding
Endorsement
“Very hands-on with the books: every lift-the-flap page has been personally reviewed, and most of the flaps removed.”
Recommendation
Last week Parker relocated the colander to an undisclosed location and has declined to comment. Discretion like that is hard to find.The Burp Cloth
Latest post
Passed my first audit this morning: every snap fastened, every sleeve checked, both socks accounted for. Then I spit up. The file has been reopened. #AuditSeason
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Cash flow positive | Takes in snacks, pays out crumbs in every room
About
I practice full and timely disclosure: every diaper update is announced to the entire room. I get every grown-up in the house singing on command, a level of team engagement most managers only dream of. I have a strong track record of wardrobe changes, both my own and everyone else's.
Experience
Deputy Tax Manager of Floor Operations
Pacifier Payroll Services · Present · 11 mos
- Debuted a flawless smile in the kitchen, then refused to reproduce the results on camera.
- Counted to ten with only three numbers missing, which leadership has ruled immaterial.
Skills
Giggle-based customer retention · One-word executive summaries · Dump-the-bin inventory counts
Endorsement
“Signs everything in triplicate: one sticky print on the page, one on the table, and one on leadership's sleeve.”
Recommendation
Four hundred requests this month, all for the same book. When Leo finds a trusted vendor, the loyalty is total.The Rocking Chair
Latest post
Plan-vs-actual review: planned bedtime, 7:00 p.m. Actual bedtime, 9:40 p.m. Variance explained by a surprise second wind. #PlanVsActual
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The accountant profile also fits auditor, bookkeeper, controller, forensic accountant, payroll specialist, tax examiner, tax preparer, treasurer.
