What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an investor? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Assets under management | One pacifier, two tiny fists, and the whole household
About
I hold a concentrated position in long positions in leadership's arms and have politely declined every suggestion to diversify. I'm deep in a strategic review of the light fixture, with findings expected any day now. I closed an oversubscribed round on day one, with every grown-up in the household committing all the time and love they had.
Experience
Award-Winning Night Shift Supervisor of Sleep Debt Restructuring
Naptime Household Management · Present · 1 mo
- Guided the household through 3 market corrections a night, each resolved with one lullaby and two laps of the hallway.
- Converted 100% of the household's hot coffee to iced coffee, no ice required.
- Issued an urgent margin call on leadership's attention during important phone calls, payable immediately.
- Increased laundry output 300% using only spit-up and determination.
Skills
Surprise liquidity events · Front-carrier ride-alongs · Diaper throughput
Endorsement
“Handles every market swing with ease, as long as it's on the highest setting.”
Recommendation
Leadership used to start every morning by checking the markets. Now the first thing anyone checks on is Jonah: one long stretch, one tiny squeak, one very serious frown. The markets can wait, and they have.The Stroller
Latest post
Update from today's board meeting: still pre-revenue, still no plans to change that, and still valued at 'priceless.' Investor patience remains remarkable. #Valuation
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Sleep debt specialist | Keeps the household highly leveraged overnight
About
I hold a concentrated position in surprise liquidity events and have politely declined every suggestion to diversify. I understand compounding better than most: a single 2 a.m. wake-up reliably yields three more before sunrise. I closed an oversubscribed round on day one, with every grown-up in the household committing all the time and love they had.
Experience
Hands-On Fund Manager of Night Shift Logistics
Naptime Asset Management · Present · 3 mos
- Rebalanced the diaper bag before every outing, cutting the wipes allocation to zero and adding one shoe and a spoon.
- Increased household laundry to 3 loads a day, up 200% since day one.
Skills
Long positions in leadership's arms · Bear-hug acquisitions · High-yield giggles
Endorsement
“Trades like a seasoned broker. The remote goes back only in exchange for something better.”
Recommendation
Emerson never cries out of nowhere: first a squeak, then a longer squeak, then the full announcement. Leadership has learned to treat that first squeak as a leading indicator.The Toilet Paper Roll
Latest post
Market volatility spikes immediately after the bath-and-pajamas routine. Analysts are calling it unprecedented. Leadership is calling it Tuesday. #MarketWatch
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Seed-stage venture | Already making plenty of noise
About
I consider any unzipped bag an emerging market and move in within seconds. I work on a short time horizon: roughly the four seconds between hearing the word 'snack' and needing the snack. I practice full and timely disclosure: every diaper update is announced to the entire room.
Experience
High-Chair Portfolio Manager of Evening Volatility
Sippy Cup Seed Fund · Present · 11 mos
- Increased the household's outdoor hours by 300% after proving that one step outside ends almost any fuss.
- Grew do-it-myself project ownership from a side position into the household's largest holding in under a quarter.
- Mandated a white-noise-only work environment and reported every deviation to leadership.
Skills
Surprise liquidity events · Over-the-head wardrobe objections · High-yield giggles
Endorsement
“Elevator pitch: both arms straight up. Gets funded every time.”
Recommendation
Amara hears out every pitch with a furrowed brow and deep skepticism, then offers just enough of a smile to keep you trying. I've met seasoned buyers with less discipline.The Now-Retired Alarm Clock
Latest post
Launching my first fund, focused exclusively on long positions in leadership's arms. Minimum investment: one full night of leadership's sleep. #NewFund
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Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The investor profile also fits hedge fund manager, investment banker, portfolio manager, private equity associate, quantitative analyst, stockbroker, venture capitalist.
