What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an admiral? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Zero tolerance for face wiping | All requests escalated immediately
About
I'm a results-driven professional with a passion for vocal range. I've trained every grown-up in the house on the standard operating procedure: fed, changed, burped, and, if all else fails, a slow lap of the hallway. I yawn like someone coming off a double shift, then stay on the clock for another full hour.
Experience
Honorary Harbor Master of Time Zone Alignment
Swaddle Command · Present · 1 mo
- Put a brand-new diaper into production within 30 seconds of installation.
- Built a best-in-class all-hands-on-deck alerts practice from the ground up, with zero outside funding.
- Grew nighttime stakeholder engagement 400% month over month.
- Drilled 100% of the crew to sway on command; they now sway in grocery lines while holding nothing at all.
Skills
Bedtime second winds · Tiered cry messaging · Client-facing composure
Endorsement
“Changes the schedule with the seasons. In Leo's case, a season lasts about four days.”
Recommendation
Sing to Leo off-key at 0300 and the fussing stops. No auditions, no critiques, just full credit for effort. That is the kind of commanding officer people follow anywhere.The Camera Roll
Latest post
Three weeks under my command, and the crew has stopped asking what day it is. Now they only ask which watch it is. Steady progress all around. #Underway
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Most-photographed employee in company history | 4,000 headshots and counting
About
My eye contact comes at a premium, reserved for whoever is making the silliest face in the room. I understand the chain of command perfectly and bypass it every time, taking each concern straight to whoever is closest. I get every grown-up in the house singing on command, a level of team engagement most managers only dream of.
Experience
Manager of Work-From-Home Interruptions
Diaper Pail Environmental Services · Present · 3 mos
- Spearheaded a cross-functional initiative to empty every kitchen drawer.
- Streamlined all household communication down to one word, 'shhh,' now used 400+ times a day.
- Took the helm of the activity center for 40 minutes, spinning the wheel hard to port and starboard with no set destination.
- Commanded a flotilla of 6 rubber ducks through 30 bath-time maneuvers, with every duck accounted for and one grown-up thoroughly soaked.
Skills
All-hands-on-deck alerts · Raspberry-blowing thought leadership · Fleet morale management by giggle
Endorsement
“Such warmth on this team. Holding Ellis is like holding a sleepy little space heater.”
Recommendation
Brunch, errands, even a quick coffee run: every plan in this household now gets cleared through Ellis' nap schedule first. Nothing moves without command approval.The Tissue Box
Latest post
Honored to be named Employee of the Month at Shape Sorter Precision Parts again. Every month since I started, in fact. Voting remains open to exactly one candidate. #Recognition
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Reports to dinner in dress whites | Leaves wearing most of the dinner
About
No issue is too small for me to escalate directly to the top of the household. My leadership style is best described as loud and immediate. I top the household FAQ page: 'Is the baby asleep?' gets asked more than any other question, well ahead of 'Where are the keys?'
Experience
Honorary Fleet Commander of Toilet Paper Logistics
Baby Monitor Analytics · Present · 11 mos
- Filed 40 pickup requests before breakfast, each submitted by raising both arms overhead.
- Grew snack-request volume 200% quarter over quarter while eating 10% of each snack.
- Generated a 300% lift in household use of the word 'aww.'
- Signed off on the blue cup on Monday, then formally rejected it on Tuesday with no further comment.
Skills
All-hands-on-deck alerts · Fleet morale management by giggle · Shoulder-ride lookout duty
Endorsement
“Brings real precision to close work: can spot one crumb on the floor and pick it up with two fingers.”
Recommendation
Not one pair of glasses within reach has stayed on anyone's face around Maya. Clear vision, decisive execution.The Baby Carrier
Latest post
Requested permission to come aboard leadership's lap 40 times today. Permission granted 40 times. Very efficient chain of command. #PermissionToComeAboard
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
