What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a commanding general? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Momentum is everything | The bouncing must never stop
About
I personally decorate the shoulder of every grown-up who burps me, usually with spit-up rather than stars. Every single day, I rank as the household's top priority, ahead of the dishes, the inbox, and the grown-ups' own lunch. I understand the chain of command perfectly and bypass it every time, taking each concern straight to whoever is closest.
Experience
Lead Brigade Commander of Spit-Up Distribution
Blowout Response Services · Present · 1 mo
- Relocated headquarters 9 times in one day, from bassinet to swing to lap to carrier, and rejected every new site within minutes.
- Issued 300+ orders in the first month without a single word and achieved 100% compliance from every grown-up on staff.
Skills
Over-the-head wardrobe objections · Baby-talk adoption across the org · High-profile event napping
Endorsement
“Keeps communication lean: a grunt, a squeak, and one very effective cry.”
Recommendation
In all my years in this house, I have never seen org-wide yawn cascading performed to Hazel's standard. The household has rewritten the regulations twice this quarter just to keep up.The Diaper Pail
Latest post
Quick reminder that my office hours are 2 to 4 a.m. Walk-ins are welcome. Actually, walk-ins are required. #OpenDoorPolicy
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Stars on the pajamas, oatmeal on the sleeve | Commanding General of Breakfast
About
I firmly believe I'm overqualified for the bouncer seat, and I say so, loudly, every time I'm placed in it. I travel like a true general, with a full staff in tow: one aide to carry me, one to carry the bag, and one to hold every door. I champion repeatable processes: the same book, the same song, the same game, forty times in a row.
Experience
Corner-Office Brigade Commander of Chain of Command Restructuring
Puree Pouch Distribution · Present · 3 mos
- Streamlined all household communication down to one word, 'shhh,' now used 400+ times a day.
- Conducted a 40-minute strategic review of an old road map, then reorganized it into 14 smaller maps.
- Removed the sun hat 38 times during a single park visit, a new personal best for the season.
- Relocated headquarters 9 times in one day, from bassinet to swing to lap to carrier, and rejected every new site within minutes.
Skills
Command presence in the high chair · Babbled morning briefings · On-camera smile withholding
Endorsement
“Tests every new product personally, by mouth.”
Recommendation
A single sneeze from Avery and the entire household stops to react. Rarely have I seen that kind of cross-functional alignment.The White Noise Machine
Latest post
Proud to report I've automated leadership's step count: 14,000 steps today, every one of them in the hallway after dark. #Automation
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Privacy settings: off | Follows leadership into every room, bathroom included
About
I embrace rapid iteration, testing each new toy for about nine seconds before moving on. My baby monitor feed has the highest viewership in the household, with a loyal overnight audience. My stuffed animals follow a strict chain of command: the oldest, most worn bear outranks every new arrival, however big.
Experience
Coordinator of 0500 Briefings
Baby Gate Security Group · Present · 11 mos
- Converted 100% of the household's hot coffee to iced coffee, no ice required.
- Held 4 grown-ups at full attention through an entire dinner by dangling one spoon over the edge of the high-chair tray.
- Moved a full division of 12 stuffed animals from the bedroom to the living room in 9 trips, with zero losses in transit.
Skills
Stuffed-animal troop formations · Parade-ground stomping · Babbled morning briefings
Endorsement
“Rewards consistent performance by laughing at the same joke every single time.”
Recommendation
Jonah ends every meal the same way: bowl upside down on their head. The household has learned that's the official signal that chow is dismissed.The Sliding Glass Door
Latest post
Updated my vision board today. It's the fridge door, and it now features six of my drawings, one sticker, and a very determined handprint. #VisionBoard
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
