What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an astronaut? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
On space-station time | 16 sunrises a day, and up for every one of them
About
I sleep in the classic zero-gravity pose, both arms floating up overhead, like a crew member dozing aboard the station. I talk to ground control on a slight delay: first the hungry face, then a nuzzle at the nearest shoulder, and seconds later, the full transmission. I support the team's continuing education by changing my favorite song, hold, or soothing trick every single week.
Experience
Coordinator of Hiccup Incident Management
Blowout Response Services · Present · 1 mo
- Required an 11-minute arms-to-crib transfer procedure, including a 90-second hover phase before final placement.
- Rolled out a household-wide sniff check, now performed 20 times a day with a 95% accuracy rate.
Skills
Over-the-head wardrobe objections · Pre-dawn liftoffs · Gas-powered smiling
Endorsement
“Sets clear expectations: the song ends when Imani says it ends, not one verse sooner.”
Recommendation
In this house, any grown-up holding a sleeping Imani is automatically exempt from dishes, laundry, and answering the door. It's the only exemption the household grants, and every grown-up here has applied.The Bassinet
Latest post
Mission log, day 21: resupply arrived every three hours, right on schedule, including the 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. drops. Crew morale is holding steady. Requesting identical service tomorrow. #MissionLog
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Commander, laundry basket capsule | Seats one; ground crew handles propulsion
About
I prefer the astronaut diet: freeze-dried fruit, puffs that dissolve on contact, and anything that comes in a squeeze pouch. After every feed, I fire off a steady string of hiccups, like small thrusters making tiny course corrections. I run the household's early-warning system: one very serious, very focused face that means a diaper change is coming.
Experience
On-Call Launch Director of Diaper Operations
Shape Sorter Precision Parts · Present · 3 mos
- Cut average household meeting length to 90 seconds, since every conversation stops the moment I start to stir.
- Logged 300 hours of flight time in grown-ups' arms this month, holding a steady cruising altitude of about four feet.
- Debuted a flawless smile in the kitchen, then refused to reproduce the results on camera.
- Required an 11-minute arms-to-crib transfer procedure, including a 90-second hover phase before final placement.
Skills
Pre-dawn liftoffs · High-chair launch sequences · Low orbit around the coffee table
Endorsement
“Treats every lullaby like a countdown: eyes open wider with each verse, fully ready for launch by the last line.”
Recommendation
Around 3 a.m., Jordan runs the same launch sequence every night: a few low rumbles, one short pause, then full thrust. Within seconds the whole crew is at their stations. I've never seen a launch window hit so reliably.The TV Remote
Latest post
Hosting a lunch-and-learn on bent-elbow sleeve defense today. Attendance is mandatory, the lunch is mine, and the learning is mostly observational. #LunchAndLearn
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Suit-up takes 40 minutes | Contests every snowsuit, hat, and mitten
About
I treat every walk like a spacewalk: slow, careful steps, with one hand tethered to a grown-up's finger the entire time. A true believer in hustle culture, I consider every nap a meeting that could have been an email and decline accordingly. I prefer the astronaut diet: freeze-dried fruit, puffs that dissolve on contact, and anything that comes in a squeeze pouch.
Experience
Self-Appointed Research Director of Mobile Device Procurement
Glider Chair Aviation · Present · 11 mos
- Stuck 40 controlled landings a day at the coffee table, letting go on purpose and touching down diaper-first every time.
- Ensured every hot beverage in the house was served at room temperature, 100% of the time.
Skills
Moonwalk-style wobbling · Bedtime second winds · Low orbit around the coffee table
Endorsement
“Took on the bookshelf reorg solo, emptied it in record time, and closed the ticket.”
Recommendation
Jalen runs every bedtime strictly by the posted procedure: bath, pajamas, two books, one song, lights low. Skip a step, and everyone gets firmly sent back to step one. I have never seen anyone so committed to doing things by the book.The Dishwasher
Latest post
Returned from today's walk around the block with 14 rock samples in my pockets. Ground crew found them in the dryer and has requested earlier notice on all future sample returns. #SampleReturn
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The astronaut profile also fits mission controller.
