What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an engineer? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Built-in pressure sensor | Wakes the instant the crib mattress is detected
About
Every swaddle the household has tried has a structural weakness, and I always find it, starting with one arm. My hand-to-mouth delivery system is still in beta, but target accuracy improves a little every day. I study the light switch with the quiet intensity of an engineer watching a prototype run for the very first time.
Experience
Lead Structural Integrity Lead of Fluid Dynamics
White Noise Signal Processing Co. · Present · 1 mo
- Surveyed every room in the house and certified one spot, beside the kitchen window, as the only approved soothing site.
- Flipped the company's operating hours, sleeping all day and opening for business at midnight.
- Granted leadership a 15-minute break by dozing off, then revoked it after 90 seconds with no advance notice.
- Rejected four pacifier designs in field testing before approving one that looked exactly like the others.
Skills
Vocal range · Bedtime second winds · Cuddle-first culture
Endorsement
“Goes from sound asleep to full volume faster than any engine I've ever tested.”
Recommendation
Every grown-up in this house now tests the bathwater with an elbow and checks it twice before Naomi goes in. I've never seen a household hold a temperature spec so faithfully, and the credit goes to the end user.The Crib Mobile
Latest post
Update from the shop: after six weeks of trial and error, the crew finally has my bedtime down to spec. Revised drawings go out tonight. #RevisedDrawings
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Fluid dynamics researcher | Maps the full splash zone at every bath
About
I review every grown-up's work with the furrowed brow of a senior engineer checking someone else's calculations. Rocking must meet my exacting standards, and I flag any drop in tempo immediately. I run a daily energy audit on the household and get the same result every evening: every grown-up running low, me still at full capacity.
Experience
Teething Stress Testing Lead of Spit-Up Fluid Dynamics
Teething Ring Robotics · Present · 3 mos
- Load-tested every pair of arms in the house with two-hour contact naps; none were rated for that duration, and all held anyway.
- Rejected four pacifier designs in field testing before approving one that looked exactly like the others.
- Held a two-forearm plank for 90 seconds during tummy time, setting a new structural record for the household.
Skills
Bridge-building on all fours · High-chair gravity testing · Over-the-head wardrobe objections
Endorsement
“Crawled backward for weeks before finding forward. Most engineers never master reverse at all.”
Recommendation
All week, Marlowe has been running a careful signal test: 'ba,' 'ba,' 'BA,' and one very long 'baaaa,' each at a different volume. Every channel has been checked. No engineer in this house has ever run a more thorough sweep.The Hooded Towel
Latest post
Proud to report my car seat passed final inspection. Every grown-up in the house checked every strap twice, then once more for good measure. Safest cargo on the road. #SafetyFirst
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Fluid dynamics researcher | Maps the full splash zone at every bath
About
I give every new toy a thorough product teardown, then rate the cardboard box it came in as the superior design. I regularly test every diaper to its rated capacity and beyond, with results usually documented all the way up the back. I join every household project in a hands-on role, usually by standing on the exact component that needs to move.
Experience
Executive Morale Officer of Hiccup Research and Development
Wet Wipes Worldwide · Present · 11 mos
- Entered 400 unauthorized rows into leadership's spreadsheet with a single keyboard slap.
- Ran 200 consecutive on/off cycles on the hallway light switch to confirm the toggle works as designed.
- Completed a full site visit within 5 minutes of arriving anywhere new, personally testing every doorstop on the property.
- Brought every bedtime in 45 minutes behind schedule and three books over budget, like any truly ambitious capital project.
Skills
Reverse engineering the baby gate · Torque testing on every knob · Real-time feedback at full volume
Endorsement
“Signs everything in triplicate: one sticky print on the page, one on the table, and one on leadership's sleeve.”
Recommendation
Not one sippy cup in this house has passed Liam's leak test yet: upside down, shaken hard, over the couch. I respect a tester who keeps the supplier honest.The Laptop Keyboard
Latest post
Just learned I've been added to the household's critical infrastructure list, right above the coffee maker and the Wi-Fi. #CriticalInfrastructure
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The engineer profile also fits aerospace engineer, biomedical engineer, chemical engineer, civil engineer, electrical engineer, environmental engineer, industrial engineer, mechanical engineer, nuclear engineer, structural engineer, systems engineer.
