What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an attorney? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Leads the cross-examination by long stare practice | Fully booked through Q4
About
I hold court daily on the living room floor, where visitors line up for an audience and the chance at a smile. I review every swaddle like a contract, and if there's a loophole, one determined arm will find it before morning. At every diaper change, I'm a hostile witness: uncooperative, highly animated, and impossible to pin down.
Experience
Deputy Director of Wide-Eyed Cross-Examination
Night-Light Notary Services · Present · 1 mo
- Dictated 20 minutes of coos in one sitting, and leadership read every one back, word for word.
- Postponed 9 nail trims on procedural grounds, each one called off at the first click of the clippers.
Skills
Spit-up logistics · Early-stage cooing · Same-second service expectations
Endorsement
“Throws both arms wide at every sudden noise, with all the flair of a seasoned trial lawyer.”
Recommendation
On the matter of bath time, Hazel has argued both sides with equal passion: firmly against getting in, then firmly against getting out. Only the best litigators can do that.The Camera Roll
Latest post
A reminder to all parties: a nap is not an adjournment. It's a recess, and court can reconvene at any moment. #Recess
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Eminent domain over leadership's phone | Fair compensation: one soggy cracker
About
I run a thorough conflict check on every new visitor, and nobody gets to hold me until it clears. I'm licensed to practice car-seat buckle objections in all jurisdictions, including the car, the bath, and the grocery store. I declare a conflict of interest at every meal: I want to hold the spoon, and I also want to be fed.
Experience
Executive Transformation Lead of Motion Practice
Puree Pouch Distribution · Present · 3 mos
- Dictated 20 minutes of coos in one sitting, and leadership read every one back, word for word.
- Withdrew 12 offers of a soggy cracker the moment leadership leaned in to accept.
Skills
Tummy-time pushback · Cross-examination by long stare · Middle-distance visioning
Endorsement
“Returns work promptly, usually on someone's shoulder.”
Recommendation
Leadership walked the hallway for forty minutes making the case for sleep. Skyler listened carefully, considered every point, and then, right at the bedroom door, asked to hear the whole argument again from the beginning.The Wooden Spoon
Latest post
After careful deliberation, the court has reached a verdict on avocado: not today, maybe tomorrow, and definitely not in that bowl. #Verdict
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Undefeated before any jury | One look, and deliberations are over
About
I declare a conflict of interest at every meal: I want to hold the spoon, and I also want to be fed. I show little interest in company-issued toys and a strong preference for whatever leadership is using. I take every matter under advisement, which to the untrained eye looks a lot like a nap.
Experience
Associate Director of Bedtime Appeals
Potty Training Academy · Present · 11 mos
- Aligned the entire leadership team on one priority within seconds: getting the pair of glasses back.
- Archived 40+ household items in the trash can this quarter, most recently the computer mouse.
- Produced 212 pages from the recycling bin in one afternoon, hand-delivering each one to leadership for review.
- Withdrew 12 offers of a soggy cracker the moment leadership leaned in to accept.
Skills
Same-second appeals of every "no" · Drawer-by-drawer discovery · One-more-book motions
Endorsement
“Truly best-in-class at car-seat buckle objections. We've started billing it out to other households.”
Recommendation
Jonah can sleep through a thunderstorm, a leaf blower, and a full dinner party, yet wakes at a single creak of the floorboards. That is the most selective hearing I have ever witnessed.The Wooden Spoon
Latest post
Grateful to everyone at today's gathering who gave expert testimony that I am 'the cutest.' The household has entered it into the record. #ExpertTestimony
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Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The attorney profile also fits corporate lawyer, criminal defense attorney, family law attorney, general counsel, immigration lawyer, lawyer, patent attorney, prosecutor, public defender, trial lawyer.
