What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a judge? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
All rise. I'm awake, and court is now in session.
About
At every diaper change, I'm a hostile witness: uncooperative, highly animated, and impossible to pin down. I move for a continuance the moment any lullaby ends, and the household has yet to see that motion denied. I run a tight ship: every hot coffee, shower, and full sentence in this household now requires my approval.
Experience
Founder of Wide-Eyed Cross-Examination
Car Seat Logistics · Present · 1 mo
- Won 48 of 48 motions to be picked up, most granted within ten seconds of filing.
- Held out through 12 minutes of back pats before issuing a final ruling: one tiny burp.
- Maintained perfect attendance at every overnight feeding for 8 straight weeks, clocking in early more than half the time.
- Lowered the average temperature of household dinners by 40 degrees across 90 consecutive evenings.
Skills
Frequent short recesses · Long, judicial stares · Lullaby demand generation
Endorsement
“Great in whiteboard sessions. Can study a blank white wall for an entire meeting.”
Recommendation
Liam treats every grown-up in the house as a key witness and calls for testimony nonstop: a funny face, a silly voice, a little dance. This household has never testified so much in its life.The Bouncy Seat
Latest post
Filed a motion to dismiss today's nap at 1:00. Motion denied at 1:02. Asleep by 1:04. Appeal to follow when I wake up. #MotionToDismiss
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Harper
6 mos old · Future Judge
All rise. I'm awake, and court is now in session.
About
Every new visitor gets sworn in before meeting me: hands washed, voice lowered, and phone put away. I issue a formal summons at the first bite of every grown-up dinner, and the household always appears. I move for a continuance the moment any lullaby ends, and the household has yet to see that motion denied.
Experience
Hands-On Presiding Judge of Work-From-Home Interruptions
Board of Bedtime Appeals · Present · 3 mos
- Held out through 12 minutes of back pats before issuing a final ruling: one tiny burp.
- Conducted jury selection at a party of 20, seating 3 approved laps and dismissing the rest with one lip wobble.
- Mandated full dark mode in the nursery: blackout shades, one dim light, and zero talking after 7 p.m.
Skills
Long, judicial stares · Creaky-floorboard detection · Swift rulings on vegetables
Endorsement
“Has claimed sole jurisdiction over the TV remote and is not hearing appeals at this time.”
Recommendation
Harper brought this entire household to consensus in one afternoon: that sleeping face is the sweetest thing any of us has ever seen. I've never watched alignment happen that fast.The Crib Rail
Latest post
Was asked to 'sleep on it.' Did so for eleven minutes and came back with my original position. #Deliberation
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Refuses to be tabled | Any attempt to set me down is overruled
About
I regularly enter new exhibits into the record, most recently the measuring cup, which has been presented to every grown-up in the house. I've already published the household's core values: 'more,' 'again,' and 'uh-oh.' At every diaper change, I'm a hostile witness: uncooperative, highly animated, and impossible to pin down.
Experience
Manager of Motion Practice
Wet Wipe Dispensing Corp. · Present · 11 mos
- Rejected 5 identical pacifiers in a row, then accepted the first one on reconsideration.
- Uploaded 312 photos of the carpet to the shared cloud album in under a minute with leadership's phone.
- Settled the nightly bath-exit dispute out of court for two more minutes and one final splash.
Skills
Swift rulings on vegetables · Frequent short recesses · Calling the house to order
Endorsement
“Runs a strict open-door policy and has serious concerns about every door in the house that is currently closed.”
Recommendation
By order of Ava, every round object in sight has been officially renamed 'ball,' including the moon, two oranges, and the kitchen clock. The decision is final, and no appeals are being heard.The High Chair
Latest post
Honored to be delivering this year's keynote on spoon-as-gavel rulings. Venue: the living room. Format: full volume, no slides. #Keynote
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The judge profile also fits mediator.
