What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a dentist? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Best smile in the whole practice | Zero teeth, full confidence
About
I maintain an approved list of exactly one lullaby and have placed every other song on a watch list. I yawn like someone coming off a double shift, then stay on the clock for another full hour. I give visitors the classic clinic experience: a long wait for me to wake up, a short visit, and one great smile on the way out.
Experience
Steward of Spit-Up Distribution
Car Seat Logistics · Present · 1 mo
- Completed an in-depth, 30-minute audit of the silly face six inches away without a single break.
- Delivered 30 textbook 'open wide' demonstrations a day, every one of them a yawn.
Skills
Advanced spit, no rinse required · Gummy-smile chairside manner · Company-wide whisper mandate
Endorsement
“Somehow always knows when leadership has the day off, and opens the clinic extra early.”
Recommendation
Jalen has already mastered the hardest skill in any clinic: making every person in the room feel like the only one there. One big grin, full eye contact, and suddenly the whole day is better.The White Noise Machine
Latest post
Asked if I wanted to go outside today. I can't answer yet, but both legs started kicking, and I think that counts as a yes. #ClearCommunication
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Enforces a 24-hour cancellation policy | Cancels naps with zero notice
About
I oppose all wearable tech, a category that, by my definition, includes hats, mittens, and sunglasses. I champion repeatable processes: the same book, the same song, the same game, forty times in a row. I've already mastered the profession's signature move: both hands in someone's mouth, followed by a long, patient wait for an answer.
Experience
Steward of Crib Mobile Analytics
Nap Time Scrubs Co. · Present · 3 mos
- Delivered 50 unscheduled face cleanings to leadership this week, using one damp and very sticky hand.
- Took 30 bite impressions in a single week, using toast, cheese, and one TV remote.
- Grew nighttime stakeholder engagement 400% month over month.
Skills
Gummy-smile chairside manner · Selective open-wide compliance · Advanced spit, no rinse required
Endorsement
“Great at managing up. Saves the biggest smile of the day for whoever walks in the door last.”
Recommendation
Quinn holds the household all-hands every bath time. Everyone gathers around the tub, everyone gets splashed, and nobody leaves dry. Transparent, inclusive, and extremely wet.The Rattle
Latest post
Honored to be delivering this year's keynote on bedtime second winds. Venue: the living room. Format: full volume, no slides. #Keynote
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Five-star patient satisfaction | Every visitor leaves smiling, and nobody leaves on time
About
I embrace rapid iteration, testing each new toy for about nine seconds before moving on. Every single day, I rank as the household's top priority, ahead of the dishes, the inbox, and the grown-ups' own lunch. I keep the household on true clinic hours: open early, fully booked all day, and somehow running an hour behind by dinner.
Experience
Honorary Transformation Lead of Wipe Inventory Liquidation
Onesie Global · Present · 11 mos
- Increased the household's outdoor hours by 300% after proving that one step outside ends almost any fuss.
- Took 30 bite impressions in a single week, using toast, cheese, and one TV remote.
- Filed 40 pickup requests before breakfast, each submitted by raising both arms overhead.
Skills
Two-minute brushing negotiations · Selective open-wide compliance · Camera roll domination
Endorsement
“Somehow always knows when leadership has the day off, and opens the clinic extra early.”
Recommendation
Laundry day is a team effort thanks to Naomi, who takes every item back out of the basket as fast as it goes in. Initiative like that cannot be taught.The Camera Roll
Latest post
New office policy: I only open wide for the airplane spoon. All other spoons are being referred out. #Referrals
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The dentist profile also fits dental assistant, dental hygienist, orthodontist.
