What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a journalist? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Front-page material | Current lock screen of every grown-up in the house
About
Each of my yawns is a loading screen for the next nap, though the nap doesn't always finish loading. Every sudden noise lands like a breaking news alert, and I respond with arms flung out in total, wide-eyed surprise. My warmest smile is reserved for 4 a.m., right as leadership's resolve starts to slip.
Experience
Corner-Office Field Reporter of Eye Contact Initiatives
Baby Monitor Live · Present · 1 mo
- Ran breaking news alerts at 3 a.m. as a daily segment for 12 straight weeks, beating every other program in its time slot.
- Rerouted 80% of household screen time to a new live feed: me, doing absolutely anything.
- Reclassified 100% of leadership's wardrobe as burp cloths within 30 days.
- Perfected a zero-notice pivot from calm to full protest, usually deployed the instant a floorboard creaks.
Skills
Company-wide whisper mandate · High-contrast pattern recognition · Early-stage cooing
Endorsement
“Onboarded the entire household in under a week and immediately restructured everyone's schedule.”
Recommendation
Watching Naomi fall asleep is like watching a crew wrap up for the day: the fussing winds down, the eyelids get heavy, and then one eye pops back open to make sure the crew is still on site.The Doorbell
Latest post
Correction: an earlier report stated that I 'love' the new snowsuit. I do not. We regret the error. #Corrections
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Highlight-reel material | Every roll, scoot, and wobbly step, replayed all night
About
Every closed door is a developing story, so I wait right outside, knocking, until someone comes out with a statement. My programming schedule is tight: nap at nine, snack at ten, and a strongly worded opinion piece at eleven. I fact-check every picture book personally, pointing at each animal until a grown-up confirms that yes, that is a duck.
Experience
Steward of Sideline Commentary
Baby Monitor Live · Present · 3 mos
- Enforced a hard deadline on 22 grown-up drafts this week by closing the laptop mid-sentence.
- Edited the household's vocabulary down to 'shh' within the first week, a masterclass in tight copy.
- Rotated the crew through 4 soothing holds per shift before settling on the least convenient one.
- Took the lead story at every gathering this year, bumping two engagements and a promotion to page two.
Skills
Scoops from under the table · White-noise vendor loyalty · Precision crumb retrieval
Endorsement
“Nails the cold open every morning, waking up already halfway through a very important story.”
Recommendation
Jordan is the most thoroughly covered story I have ever seen. The first bath, the first sneeze, the first long look at the ceiling fan: every moment shot from three angles, with sound, and sent out before the towel is even folded.The Baby Bathtub
Latest post
Leaked three exclusives today, each one through a freshly changed outfit. The newsroom is tired but proud. #Exclusive
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Highlight-reel material | Every roll, scoot, and wobbly step, replayed all night
About
Every closed door is a developing story, so I wait right outside, knocking, until someone comes out with a statement. I've perfected the clickbait cry: an urgent buildup, a dramatic pause, and a payoff that turns out to be one crumb on the floor. I'm the household's most rigorous fact-checker: skip a single page of the bedtime story, and I'll demand a correction on the spot.
Experience
Architect of Wake-Up Services
Potty Training Academy · Present · 11 mos
- Submitted 300+ public records requests a day, each consisting of the single word 'why?'
- Broke a major story as soon as the nursery door clicks shut, sending the whole newsroom scrambling for wipes.
- Spent the day's entire snack allocation by 9:05 a.m. under a strict use-it-or-lose-it policy, then declared a new fiscal year at 9:10.
Skills
On-the-scene garbage truck coverage · Furniture-to-furniture commuting · Intellectual property claims
Endorsement
“Sets the house style: 'lellow' is now standard usage, and no grown-up here says 'yellow' anymore.”
Recommendation
Each morning, leadership puts on the outfit for the day, and Liam runs a full inspection: one firm pat on each lapel, a sticky handprint on the sleeve, and a long, approving look. Nobody leaves this house without that personal touch.The High Chair
Latest post
Correction: an earlier report stated that I 'love' the new snowsuit. I do not. We regret the error. #Corrections
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The journalist profile also fits news anchor, news producer, radio host, sports commentator, talk show host.
