What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a record label executive? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Built-in alarm clock | No snooze button, no off switch, no set time
About
I hit peak output every evening, right as the grown-ups start on dinner. I've reviewed every lullaby in the household's catalog and approved exactly one, which must now be sung at every bedtime. I serve on every committee in the household, usually from the lap of whoever called the meeting.
Experience
Superintendent of Burp Yield Optimization
Blackout Curtain Industries · Present · 1 mo
- Posted the strongest first-week numbers in household history: 40 visitors, 600 photos, and one group chat that never fully recovered.
- Vetoed every over-the-head outfit change within milliseconds of the proposal.
- Achieved instant calm the first time the vacuum ran, making it leadership's most-used soothing hardware.
Skills
Baby-talk adoption across the org · In-house vocal talent development · Hiccup management
Endorsement
“Most issues get resolved the moment they're escalated to someone's arms.”
Recommendation
Imani is open to most terms, but a cold wipe is a dealbreaker, announced at full volume. I respect a client who knows exactly where the line is.The Vacuum Cleaner
Latest post
Exciting news from the label: the household has a new anthem, 'Shhh, Shhh, Shhh.' It plays all night, every night, and is already the most-performed track in the building. #HouseAnthem
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Snack tax collector | Takes a cut of every plate in the house
About
I oversee the strategic relocation of household resources, most recently the phone, now at an undisclosed location. I keep a world-tour schedule: the park, the library, two grocery stores, and a meet-and-greet with every stranger who leans into the stroller. I have a label exec's ear for a hook: I press the same button on the singing toy forty times in a row just to hear the catchy part again.
Experience
On-Call Innovation Director of Mouth-First Quality Assurance
Lullaby Broadcasting Network · Present · 3 mos
- Pulled the headphones off 4 grown-ups this week, enforcing a strict policy that every listening session include me.
- Built a vault of 200 unreleased recordings on leadership's phone this quarter: coos, squeaks, and one very small sneeze.
Skills
Chart-topping squeals · On-camera smile withholding · In-house vocal talent development
Endorsement
“Has an ear for hits: both legs start kicking by the second bar of anything with a good beat.”
Recommendation
Whenever music plays anywhere in the house, Jordan turns toward it, eyes wide and perfectly still, like a scout at the back of a club who just heard something special. Nobody in this business has better instincts.The Laundry Basket
Latest post
Crew morale update: someone drank an entire cup of hot coffee today. I'm looking into how this happened. #Accountability
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Music mogul | Holds exclusive rights to every drum and toy piano. Guests may listen
About
I've reviewed every lullaby in the household's catalog and approved exactly one, which must now be sung at every bedtime. I set the dress code personally and have overruled leadership on footwear more than once. I have a label exec's ear for a hook: I press the same button on the singing toy forty times in a row just to hear the catchy part again.
Experience
Auditor of Toilet Paper Rollouts
Diaper Pail Environmental Services · Present · 11 mos
- Added live percussion to every bath-time session this quarter, splashing on the beat and occasionally on the singer.
- Unpacked all 80 wipes from the supply room in under a minute and redistributed them evenly across the floor.
Skills
In-house vocal talent development · Packaging-first product reviews · Playlist veto power
Endorsement
“Holds eye contact like someone who has already read the whole contract.”
Recommendation
Jalen runs this house like a label showcase: points at one grown-up and says 'Sing!', listens to half a verse, then points at the next. Everyone here has auditioned, and the callbacks never stop.The Sliding Glass Door
Latest post
Leadership has now read four books about baby sleep. I have read zero and remain the undisputed market leader. #ThoughtLeadership
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
