What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a martial arts instructor? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Sharpest uniform in the dojo | Swaddled tighter than any black belt knot
About
No issue is too small for me to escalate directly to the top of the household. I have the focus of a seasoned sensei and can meditate on the tree branch swaying outside for twenty minutes without breaking concentration. My peak work happens between 2 and 4 a.m.
Experience
Global Dojo Master of Blowout Containment
Diaper Pail Waste Management · Present · 1 mo
- Delivered 40 front kicks per diaper change, twice sending the fresh diaper flying off the changing pad.
- Mandated a white-noise-only work environment and reported every deviation to leadership.
Skills
Unbreakable grip on any offered finger · Bent-elbow sleeve defense · Close-range face studies
Endorsement
“A true self-starter. Wakes up without any prompting, every time.”
Recommendation
In this house, Liam defines a good day. A long nap, a big smile, one outfit that survives past lunch: the grown-ups celebrate it all. Clear, achievable KPIs keep the whole team motivated.The Baby Carrier
Latest post
Honored to be bowed to by every grown-up who enters the room. Technically, they're leaning in for a closer look at me, but I accept the respect all the same. #DojoEtiquette
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Strict dojo rules | Bare feet only, however many socks leadership puts on
About
I'm open to opportunities in black-belt hair grabs, provided the package includes unlimited cuddles and a flexible nap policy. I weather every hiccup with composure, and there have been a great many hiccups. I treat the household to-do list as a living document, adding three urgent items for every one the grown-ups cross off.
Experience
In-House Black Belt Instructor of Cabinet Access Control
Peekaboo Transparency Initiative · Present · 3 mos
- Drilled every grown-up in the house in a deep horse stance, the only bouncing position I accept at bedtime.
- Delivered 40 front kicks per diaper change, twice sending the fresh diaper flying off the changing pad.
- Landed 200 open-palm strikes this month, each one a high five dead center on a grown-up's hand.
- Broke 40 crackers in one demonstration at the high-chair tray, using nothing but a flat palm and total focus.
Skills
Karate-chop tray strikes · Lullaby demand generation · Unbreakable grip on any offered finger
Endorsement
“Light on their feet like a true fighter: stand Finley on any lap and the bouncing starts.”
Recommendation
No tower in this house stands for long once Finley arrives. Nobody here is better at disrupting a legacy structure.The Toilet Paper Roll
Latest post
Leadership just said out loud that we've 'finally found a routine.' A strategic restructuring has been scheduled for tonight. #Restructuring
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Strict dojo rules | Bare feet only, however many socks leadership puts on
About
I run open mat every evening on the living room floor, where any grown-up who lies down is pinned within seconds and held until they tap out. I've reshaped the household budget so thoroughly that wipes now have their own line item, and it's the fastest-growing one. I regularly keep leadership on the clock well past quitting time and have yet to approve a single hour of overtime.
Experience
Curator of Laundry Generation
Play Yard Properties · Present · 11 mos
- Rejected the scheduled 1 p.m. nap slot and rebooked for 4:45, the least convenient opening available.
- Earned 30 belt stripes this month, every one of them a sticker and most of them on my own forehead.
Skills
Black-belt hair grabs · Over-the-head wardrobe objections · Karate-chop tray strikes
Endorsement
“Makes every grown-up a better instructor. Nothing teaches clear instructions like a student who follows none of them.”
Recommendation
This quarter alone, Ava audited every low cabinet in the kitchen, pulled all inventory, and left it on the floor for review. Nobody is more thorough.The Hooded Towel
Latest post
Leadership asked when to expect my loudest update of the day. After careful review, it will now go out the second the mute button comes off. #Scheduling
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
