What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a sports agent? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Holdout specialist | Won't report to the crib until terms improve
About
I push back hard on any initiative that involves pulling something over my head. My warmest smile is reserved for 4 a.m., right as leadership's resolve starts to slip. I insist on an escape clause in every contract, and by 2 a.m. at least one arm is out of the swaddle.
Experience
Resident Talent Representation Lead of Hiccup Incident Management
Diaper Pail Waste Management · Present · 1 mo
- Ensured full compliance with the 'never wake a sleeping baby' guideline by handling every wake-up personally.
- Landed 12 endorsement deals in the first month, every one paid in tiny socks, board books, and a stuffed bunny.
- Rejected the scheduled 1 p.m. nap slot and rebooked for 4:45, the least convenient opening available.
- Rotated the crew through 4 soothing holds per shift before settling on the least convenient one.
Skills
Same-day outfit turnover · Cold-wipe customer complaints · Primary research on own hands
Endorsement
“Handles every household hiccup with grace, especially their own.”
Recommendation
A single sneeze from Ava and the entire household stops to react. Rarely have I seen that kind of cross-functional alignment.The Scratch Mitten
Latest post
Honored to be named Employee of the Month at Burp Cloth Holdings again. Every month since I started, in fact. Voting remains open to exactly one candidate. #Recognition
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Out of office: napping | Will respond upon waking, at full volume
About
Thanks to me, the household runs on voluntary overtime, though nobody remembers volunteering. I live by the negotiator's rule that whoever speaks first loses, and I can hold a silent stare longer than anyone in the building. I build my network one checkout line at a time, waving at every stranger in sight.
Experience
Undisputed Talent Representation Lead of Swaddle Compliance
Rubber Duck Maritime Ltd. · Present · 3 mos
- Made 6 unscheduled guest appearances in the grown-ups' video meetings this quarter, all to strong reviews.
- Collected a 20% commission on every snack that passed within arm's reach.
- Stretched the time needed to leave the house from 5 minutes to 45, thanks to a full equipment load-out for every outing.
Skills
Lap-to-lap trade value · Mouth-based due diligence · Pick-up-to-calm conversion rates
Endorsement
“Stays quiet through the whole meeting, then speaks up the second leadership unmutes.”
Recommendation
Sage's burps have a volume and confidence most executives spend a whole career building, and every single one gets a round of applause.The Ceiling Fan
Latest post
Update from the job site: the crew spent two hours assembling a brand-new bouncer from instructions with no words. I sat in it for four minutes. #ProductLaunch
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Self-starter | Declines all help, especially with shoes
About
I'm committed to continuous learning, especially about what happens when things fall off the high chair. Every visit sets off a bidding war for me, with each grown-up promising a better bounce than the last. I open every negotiation high, asking for five crackers, and close happily at two.
Experience
Steward of Decibel Growth Strategy
Diaper Pail Environmental Services · Present · 11 mos
- Volunteered for every household task and increased time-to-completion by 400%.
- Secured leadership buy-in for 22 consecutive airplane rides around the living room, each requested with one word: 'again.'
- Proposed 30 trades before the deadline, each one a slightly damp block for leadership's phone.
Skills
Bath-time contract holdouts · Full-body stretch goals · Drawer-to-floor inventory transfers
Endorsement
“Treats every grown-up's 'we'll see' as a binding verbal agreement and follows up on it daily.”
Recommendation
As soon as music starts, Ezra drops everything to bounce along. Buy-in like that usually takes a full quarter.The Floor Beneath the High Chair
Latest post
Switched agents today. My new representation: whichever grown-up is holding the crackers. #FreeAgency
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
