What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a principal? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Calls a snow day at least twice a week, any season | Plans canceled, pajamas all day
About
I finish every meal with the deep, untroubled calm of a principal on the last day of school. Every single day, I rank as the household's top priority, ahead of the dishes, the inbox, and the grown-ups' own lunch. My hall passes are issued sparingly: any grown-up who tries to leave the room gets called back within seconds.
Experience
Curator of Nap Time Absenteeism
Stroller Dynamics · Present · 1 mo
- Kept every grown-up in the house on morning duty for 180 straight days, a full school year without one substitute.
- Rolled out a household-wide sniff check, now performed 20 times a day with a 95% accuracy rate.
Skills
All-household assemblies at bedtime · 5 a.m. morning announcements · Sit-down detection
Endorsement
“Put primary research on own hands into district policy on day one, no board vote required.”
Recommendation
Only a few weeks on the job, and Jonah already sets everyone's schedule. Fastest promotion I have ever witnessed.The Dishwasher
Latest post
Opened today with a full-body stretch and one very small yawn. Leadership called it the strongest launch of the quarter. #StrongStart
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Champion of small class sizes | Insists on a one-to-one ratio, around the clock
About
I preside over every dinner like a dean at commencement: seated front and center, waving to the crowd, and occasionally tossing things into it. I finish every meal with the deep, untroubled calm of a principal on the last day of school. I exercise tight control over key decisions, and over any finger that wanders within reach.
Experience
On-Call Hall Pass Administrator of Cabinet Access Control
Sleep Regression Research Institute · Present · 3 mos
- Passed on $900 of premium baby gear in favor of the original classic: leadership's arms.
- Delivered the morning announcements from the crib at 5:45 a.m. daily; content unclear, delivery confident.
Skills
All-household assemblies at bedtime · Diaper throughput · Unsolicited laptop edits
Endorsement
“Covers hallway monitoring at crawl speed from the first bell to the last, with no time off for recess.”
Recommendation
Every teacher knows the magic of the first day of school, when everything is new and interesting. For Ellis, that is every single morning: the same ceiling, the same window, the same grown-ups, all greeted with brand-new wonder.The TV Remote
Latest post
Honored to serve as this year's class mascot. Duties include being passed from lap to lap at every gathering and looking mildly surprised in every photo. #SchoolSpirit
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District-wide presence | A sock, a toy, or a cracker in every room of the house
About
My hall passes are issued sparingly: any grown-up who tries to leave the room gets called back within seconds. I'm known for strong opinions, communicated at volume. I run the living room like a school hallway between classes: loud, crowded, and full of things left exactly where they fell.
Experience
Certified Recess Duty Director of Follow-Up Questions
Sippy Cup Preparatory Academy · Present · 11 mos
- Turned every diaper change into a two-person job, with one crew member assigned solely to distraction.
- Kept every grown-up in the house on morning duty for 180 straight days, a full school year without one substitute.
- Vetoed every over-the-head outfit change within milliseconds of the proposal.
Skills
Baby-talk adoption across the org · 5 a.m. morning announcements · Front-office visitor screening
Endorsement
“Knows every grown-up in the building by name, and exactly which one keeps the good snacks. Real principal instincts.”
Recommendation
Every teacher knows the magic of the first day of school, when everything is new and interesting. For Amara, that is every single morning: the same ceiling, the same window, the same grown-ups, all greeted with brand-new wonder.The Coffee Table
Latest post
Delivered my first State of the District address from the high chair this morning. Highlights: attendance is strong, banana supply is not, and the bedtime policy remains under review. #StateOfTheDistrict
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The principal profile also fits school principal, school superintendent.
