What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a teacher? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Firm, fair, consistent | Firm grip, fair smiles for all, consistent 3 a.m. wake-ups
About
I claim the classroom reading nook every day, and the reading nook is any lap with a book open on it. I've set one learning objective for the household: by the end of the unit, everyone will be able to put me down without waking me. I test the grown-ups hourly on exactly what I need right now, and have never once awarded partial credit.
Experience
Deputy Transformation Lead of Diaper Pop Quizzes
Play Yard Properties · Present · 1 mo
- Logged 30 hours of classroom observation from the bouncer seat, primarily watching laundry get folded.
- Required three pages of sub plans whenever a new grown-up covered bedtime, then went off script anyway.
- Expanded the bedtime curriculum from one song to three songs, two hallway laps, and a guided tour of the window.
- Mandated a white-noise-only work environment and reported every deviation to leadership.
Skills
Indoor-voice exceptions · Baby-talk adoption across the org · Overnight sound design
Endorsement
“Hands out the best teacher evaluations in the building: one smile, and the whole week is made.”
Recommendation
In a matter of weeks, every grown-up here became fluent in Theo: the hungry squeak, the sleepy grumble, the pick-me-up wail. No language immersion program on earth works this fast.The Hooded Towel
Latest post
Big day for the grown-ups: they snapped my onesie correctly on the first try. No leftover snaps, no mystery gaps. We've been working on this all semester. #Progress
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Full marks for class participation | Coos back at anyone who leans in close
About
I run on a bell schedule nobody else can hear, with a new period starting roughly every two hours, day and night. I'm deep in a unit on object permanence and not yet convinced: every grown-up who leaves the room is protested loudly, then welcomed back like a hero. I'm a committed self-directed learner who schedules all skills practice for 2 a.m., rehearsing each new move in the crib until it's mastered.
Experience
Commissioner of Hiccup Incident Management
Shape Sorter Precision Parts · Present · 3 mos
- Launched a 1:1 device initiative, personally assigning every phone, remote, and laptop in the house to one student: me.
- Expanded the bedtime curriculum from one song to three songs, two hallway laps, and a guided tour of the window.
- Converted 12 lift-the-flap books into fully interactive modules, then removed the flaps to improve accessibility.
- Grew household read-aloud hours 400% in the first month, while staying awake for roughly 6 minutes of them.
Skills
Same-second service expectations · Eyewear removal services · Indoor-voice exceptions
Endorsement
“Puts in a rush order for cuddles exactly when the cart reaches the checkout line, every time.”
Recommendation
Good teachers meet students where they are. For Riley, that means the hallway, at a slow walk, with one very specific bounce, and the whole staff has adapted beautifully.The Floor Beneath the High Chair
Latest post
I've perfected my teacher look: one long, silent stare that makes every grown-up in the room stop and ask, 'What? What did I do?' #TheLook
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Peer mediation lead | Resolves every toy dispute by holding both toys
About
I claim the classroom reading nook every day, and the reading nook is any lap with a book open on it. I'm deep in a unit on object permanence and not yet convinced: every grown-up who leaves the room is protested loudly, then welcomed back like a hero. I'm a committed self-directed learner who schedules all skills practice for 2 a.m., rehearsing each new move in the crib until it's mastered.
Experience
Strategic Show-and-Tell Coordinator of Show and Tell
Teething Ring Technologies · Present · 11 mos
- Led the percussion section of music class for 40 minutes using one wooden spoon and the good pot.
- Kept every grown-up in the house on morning duty for 180 straight days, a full school year without one substitute.
- Confiscated 14 pens from shirt pockets this month, each one within seconds of being picked up.
Skills
Unauthorized recess extensions · Red-crayon grading on the walls · Wall-to-wall crayon campaigns
Endorsement
“Always gives the crew fair warning before a big job: one very focused look, and everyone knows.”
Recommendation
I'm usually asked to keep these letters to one page. For Hazel, that's a challenge: this semester alone, they've added waving, clapping, and pointing at every airplane to an already impressive résumé. Highest recommendation.The Wooden Spoon
Latest post
Reminder: class begins the morning after the clocks change. Attendance is mandatory, and tardiness will be addressed with volume. #ClassroomExpectations
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The teacher profile also fits art teacher, ESL teacher, elementary school teacher, high school teacher, kindergarten teacher, middle school teacher, music teacher, physical education teacher, reading specialist, special education teacher, substitute teacher, teaching assistant, tutor.
