What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a meteorologist? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Most-photographed employee in company history | 4,000 headshots and counting
About
I'm deep in a strategic review of the glow of the open refrigerator, with findings expected any day now. My leadership style is best described as loud and immediate. I keep every shoulder in the house under a steady light drizzle, with a chance of heavier showers right after a burp.
Experience
Floor Climate Research Director of Ceiling Fan Deep Dives
Nap Time Bank & Trust · Present · 1 mo
- Built a best-in-class sit-down detection practice from the ground up, with zero outside funding.
- Consolidated all communications into a single high-volume channel with 24/7 availability.
- Produced 30 brief sunny spells this week, each a gummy smile gone before anyone could find the camera.
- Cut every grown-up's shower down to a 4-minute weather window, with no extensions granted.
Skills
Gas-powered smiling · Sudden sunny spells after a storm · Early storm warnings before nap time
Endorsement
“Flings both arms wide at every sudden noise, like a forecaster presenting the whole national map.”
Recommendation
Every night, Naomi's conditions shift like a live radar loop: scattered squeaks after midnight, a brief stir around 3, then a warm front settling in the second a shoulder becomes available. Nobody has ever looked forward to a forecast more.The Stroller
Latest post
Big thanks to a team that shows up for every 3 a.m. shift, no questions asked. Well, one question. Usually 'why now?' #TeamCulture
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Partly sunny with a 90% chance of meltdown at 5 p.m. | Forecast accurate daily
About
Every single day, I rank as the household's top priority, ahead of the dishes, the inbox, and the grown-ups' own lunch. Every new vegetable goes through my rigorous approval process, typically fifteen trials before I sign off on a single bite. I deliver the household's daily forecast at sunrise: mostly sunny, scattered spit-up, and a 90% chance of fussing around dinnertime.
Experience
Mobile Climate Research Director of Spit-Up Distribution
Spit-Up Containment LLC · Present · 3 mos
- Came in ahead of every nap forecast the household issued this week, waking an average of 20 minutes early.
- Recorded a daily high of 40 giggles by mid-morning, with a reliable low moving in around 5 p.m.
Skills
Steady drool precipitation · Sudden sunny spells after a storm · Diaper-change evasion
Endorsement
“A true human barometer. Senses a grown-up getting ready to leave from across the room and raises the pressure at once.”
Recommendation
Watching Reese sleep is like watching a week of weather in one minute: a sunny little smile, a cloudy frown, one gusty sigh, then clear skies again. I have never seen conditions change so fast, or so sweetly.The Vacuum Cleaner
Latest post
Leadership keeps saying I'll 'sleep like a baby.' I've reviewed the policy in full and can find no such requirement. #Compliance
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Issues a fussiness watch at 4 p.m. | Upgraded to a full warning by 5
About
I've placed an indefinite hiring freeze on babysitters, and every new applicant is turned away at the door with a single lip wobble. I treat the household to-do list as a living document, adding three urgent items for every one the grown-ups cross off. I oppose all wearable tech, a category that, by my definition, includes hats, mittens, and sunglasses.
Experience
Staff Weather Forecaster of Decibel Growth Strategy
Blackout Curtain Industries · Present · 11 mos
- Launched 9 weather balloons this summer, releasing every party balloon within seconds and tracking each one out of sight.
- Made 6 unscheduled guest appearances in the grown-ups' video meetings this quarter, all to strong reviews.
Skills
Live weather updates from the window · High-chair gravity testing · Steady drool precipitation
Endorsement
“Comes back from every walk with a full supply run: 14 sticks, three rocks, one excellent leaf.”
Recommendation
Liam doesn't just think outside the box. The box gets emptied, then sat in.The Laundry Basket
Latest post
Issued my first formal memo today, in crayon, on the back of an envelope. Leadership called it 'lovely.' I'd like to clarify that it is binding. #PolicyMemo
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
