What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a professor? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Independent study: the tree branch swaying outside | Extension requested
About
Every study of whether I'm finally asleep reaches the same conclusion: further research is needed. I keep short but intense office hours: about forty-five wide-eyed minutes, then straight back to sleep. I bring a lifetime of research to 3 a.m. office hours, an impressive record for a scholar whose lifetime is still counted in months.
Experience
In-House Faculty Director of Ceiling Fan Deep Dives
Swaddle State University · Present · 1 mo
- Tested out of the intro course in two-hour nap sabbaticals on day one and went straight to the advanced seminar.
- Generated 1,000+ organic compliments per month at the grocery store alone.
- Founded a research center for primary research on own hands and staffed it entirely with grown-ups who never applied.
- Earned perfect course evaluations from every visitor, with 'the tiny toes' cited as a key strength.
Skills
Pre-dawn kickoffs · Catnap optimization · Company-wide whisper mandate
Endorsement
“Puts a hard stop on every party, errand, and visit, usually ten minutes after everyone gets comfortable.”
Recommendation
The liveliest debate in this house is no longer about theory. It is whether that face means Ezra is hungry or tired, and after months of rigorous discussion, the grown-ups remain divided.The Doorbell
Latest post
Honored to be featured on leadership's lock screen. And home screen. And every other screen in the house. #Featured
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Observational researcher | I study the grown-ups as closely as they study me
About
I proctor every grown-up meal like a big exam: silent, unblinking, and tracking each bite from plate to mouth. I sleep with the focus of a scholar in a silent reading room and wake the instant a spoon touches a plate. I enforce a strict screen-time policy on leadership, pushing the phone away with one small, firm hand until it goes down.
Experience
Adjunct Department Chair of Peekaboo Product Development
Night-Light Energy Corp. · Present · 3 mos
- Perfected a zero-notice pivot from calm to full protest, usually deployed five minutes before leaving the house.
- Founded a research center for night shift operations and staffed it entirely with grown-ups who never applied.
- Hosted a spirited 5-to-7 p.m. colloquium every evening, attended in full by a department pacing the hallway.
- Revised the nap schedule 11 times this semester without circulating a single draft.
Skills
Middle-distance visioning · Packaging-first product reviews · Fieldwork under the couch
Endorsement
“Believes in replication. Presses the button that plays the song 200 more times, just to be sure.”
Recommendation
It is my great pleasure to recommend Remy without reservation. This semester's independent research on both feet used a methodology that relies heavily on taste.The Onesie
Latest post
Proud to share my latest finding: every problem looks smaller from someone's shoulder. Results are consistent across every room of the house. #Perspective
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Thinks best on long walks, like the great philosophers | Stroller strongly preferred
About
I fall sound asleep every time leadership rehearses a talk out loud, which leadership has wisely chosen to count as a rave review. I've placed an indefinite hiring freeze on babysitters, and every new applicant is turned away at the door with a single lip wobble. Every new tooth is my finals week: up all night, chewing on anything within reach, and sure this one is the hardest yet.
Experience
Associate Dean of White Noise Music Appreciation
Department of Peekaboo Studies · Present · 11 mos
- Drafted 14 grant proposals in crayon this month, each requesting more bubbles and each funded in full.
- Defended the thesis 'No' more than 300 times this month without conceding a single point.
- Published 14 papers this quarter, all given high-impact placement on the refrigerator door.
Skills
Crayon margin notes on the walls · Fieldwork under the couch · 3 a.m. office hours
Endorsement
“Knows the exact moment a grown-up sits down to write, and needs something right then.”
Recommendation
Imani may be the only student in history who gets celebrated for falling asleep in class. The moment those eyes close, every grown-up in the room silently cheers. Most teachers would take it personally. Here, it's the highlight of the day.The Tissue Box
Latest post
Proud to share my latest finding: every problem looks smaller from someone's shoulder. Results are consistent across every room of the house. #Perspective
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The professor profile also fits adjunct instructor.
