What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a scientist? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Results not reproducible | Every cute new move stops the moment a camera appears
About
I bring a lifetime of research to swaddle exit strategy, an impressive record for a scholar whose lifetime is still counted in months. I subject every outfit to rigorous peer review, and nothing that goes over the head has ever passed. I hand out warm, encouraging smiles in my sleep, and leadership has chosen to count every one as positive feedback.
Experience
Auditor of Wake-Up Services
Burp Cloth Holdings · Present · 1 mo
- Held one grown-up's finger for 40 straight minutes, the longest-running collaboration in the department.
- Named the patterned curtain sole entertainment supplier for three straight quarters, no bids taken.
Skills
Gas-powered smiling · Vocal range · High-contrast pattern recognition
Endorsement
“Has the whole house labeling like a real lab: every burp cloth is filed as clean, probably clean, or absolutely not.”
Recommendation
Try a new lullaby, a new hold, or a new lap around the kitchen, and Hazel reports the outcome within about four seconds. I've never seen anyone collect outcome data that fast.The Doorbell
Latest post
Big breakthrough at 3:12 a.m.: I discovered my own hand. Leadership has asked that all future discoveries be made during business hours. #Breakthrough
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Results not reproducible | Every cute new move stops the moment a camera appears
About
I bring a lifetime of research to bath-time buoyancy studies, an impressive record for a scholar whose lifetime is still counted in months. I react to any sudden noise the way academics react to the word 'deadline': arms up, eyes wide, instantly awake. I watch the washing machine's spin cycle with the total focus of someone waiting on a centrifuge to finish.
Experience
Manager of Object Permanence Research
Footie Pajama Outfitters · Present · 3 mos
- Founded a research center for peer-reviewed peekaboo and staffed it entirely with grown-ups who never applied.
- Hosted a spirited 5-to-7 p.m. colloquium every evening, attended in full by a department pacing the hallway.
- Maintained a diaper-change release cadence of 10+ deployments per day.
- Mastered cause and effect early: one cry, one grown-up, 100% replication across 400 trials.
Skills
Tissue box liquidation · Toy loans with instant recall · Night shift operations
Endorsement
“Hasn't met a grown-up yet whose sway couldn't use a little recalibration.”
Recommendation
Unlike most scholarly writing, Parker's work is refreshingly jargon-free: every request arrives as one word, one point, or one very loud sound, and nobody ever misunderstands.The Toilet Paper Roll
Latest post
Big breakthrough at 3:12 a.m.: I discovered my own hand. Leadership has asked that all future discoveries be made during business hours. #Breakthrough
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
First-principles thinker | Asks 'why?' until leadership runs out of answers
About
I subject every outfit to rigorous peer review, and nothing that goes over the head has ever passed. I bring real bench discipline to the shape sorter, testing the star in every hole until the results are conclusive. My approach to research is hands-on: every new object is shaken, banged on the table, then handed to the nearest grown-up for independent verification.
Experience
Principal Investigator of Diaper Change Methodology
Bassinet Labs · Present · 11 mos
- Expanded the list of accepted dinner foods from three to four, a statistically significant gain.
- Published 14 papers this quarter, all given high-impact placement on the refrigerator door.
- Took soil samples from all 6 houseplants in one afternoon and spread each across the living room rug for further analysis.
- Founded a research center for hypothesis testing on light switches and staffed it entirely with grown-ups who never applied.
Skills
Cold-wipe customer complaints · Controlled sippy-cup spill trials · Peer-reviewed peekaboo
Endorsement
“Reports every protocol deviation immediately, especially a grown-up trying to skip a page in the bedtime book.”
Recommendation
Jonah has mastered the most powerful word in business and uses it early, often, and without further explanation: no.The Baby Monitor
Latest post
New observation from tonight's walk: the moon followed us all the way home. Same result three nights running. Leadership says more research is needed. #Observation
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The scientist profile also fits biochemist, biologist, chemist, epidemiologist, forensic scientist, geneticist, microbiologist, neuroscientist, research scientist.
