What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a software engineer? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
On the critical path of every project | Nothing ships until I nap
About
I now support close-range face studies in every room of the house, with 24/7 coverage and no plans to sunset the feature. I keep the whole household on an on-call rotation: whoever has the baby monitor tonight sleeps with one ear open. I serve on every committee in the household, usually from the lap of whoever called the meeting.
Experience
Deputy Morale Officer of Push Notifications
BurpCloud · Present · 1 mo
- Exposed a single point of failure in household operations: the one pacifier I will accept.
- Retried every unanswered request with the opposite of exponential backoff: each attempt faster and louder than the last.
- Paged the on-call team every two hours for 30 consecutive nights.
Skills
Same-second service expectations · Camera roll domination · Night shift operations
Endorsement
“The most forgiving code reviewer on the team. Loves every off-key lullaby like it's a hit single.”
Recommendation
Getting a burp out of Naomi is pure debugging: try the shoulder, try the lap, try a gentle bounce, and then, for no clear reason, it works. Nobody here has ever figured out which fix did it.The Hooded Towel
Latest post
Ran a full stress test on leadership today: two outfit changes, a surprise bath, and a very long evening. Happy to report all systems passed. #StressTest
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Machine learning in progress | Copies every face leadership makes
About
I maintain a strictly prioritized backlog of things to grab: phones first, remotes second, and the whisk whenever capacity allows. I wake from every nap with a slow cold start: one long cuddle, one blank stare, and no requests processed for ten minutes. I install major updates overnight with no release notes and wake up with a brand-new skill nobody saw in testing.
Experience
Stroller-Based Quality Assurance Lead of Ceiling Fan Appreciation
Bassinet Labs · Present · 3 mos
- Logged 14 manual hotfixes in a single night, each one a pacifier reinsertion performed in total darkness.
- Kept leadership's phone close at all times, the first rule of being on call, handing it back 30 times a day, freshly drooled on.
- Localized every grown-up in the house into a high-pitched, sing-song dialect within one week.
- Held 60 standups a day at the coffee table: pull up, look around, sit back down, repeat.
Skills
Live coding on any open laptop · Diaper-change evasion · Over-the-head wardrobe objections
Endorsement
“Strong preference for pair programming. Solo work sessions last about ninety seconds.”
Recommendation
Watching Sage work the shape sorter is a lesson in brute force: every block, every hole, every angle, until something fits. Persistence like that cracks any problem.The Nursery Thermostat
Latest post
Shipped a major new feature this week: I can now open the bottom drawer. Leadership has logged it as a bug and is already working on a patch. #NotABug
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Runs the household on-call rotation | Pages go out via baby monitor, day or night
About
All my available processing power is currently allocated to the spider building a web; every other task is on hold. I regard the 7 p.m. bedtime as a scheduled maintenance window I was never consulted on. I wake from every nap with a slow cold start: one long cuddle, one blank stare, and no requests processed for ten minutes.
Experience
Global Scrum Master of Boundary Testing
Crib Sheet Mills · Present · 11 mos
- Built a distributed cache of crackers across every couch cushion, cutting snack latency to near zero.
- Localized every grown-up in the house into a high-pitched, sing-song dialect within one week.
Skills
Live coding on any open laptop · Puddle assessment · Bathroom-door follow-ups
Endorsement
“Took sidewalk bug reports from beta to full release in one week. No QA, total confidence.”
Recommendation
Watching Liam work the shape sorter is a lesson in brute force: every block, every hole, every angle, until something fits. Persistence like that cracks any problem.The Board Book
Latest post
Excited to announce the new bedtime routine is officially live. Early user feedback has been mixed, and all of it has come from me, at volume. #GoLive
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The software engineer profile also fits AI engineer, backend developer, cloud engineer, data engineer, devops engineer, engineering manager, frontend developer, full-stack developer, machine learning engineer, mobile app developer, site reliability engineer, web developer.
