What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a video game designer? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Speedrunning the tutorial level | Just found out both hands are playable
About
I formally object to tummy time and have asked for it to be revisited in the next review cycle. Rocking must meet my exacting standards, and I flag any drop in tempo immediately. I had every grown-up in the house cross-trained on all four positions within a month: swaddler, burper, rocker, and hallway pacer.
Experience
Full-Time Boss Battle Designer of Decibel Growth Strategy
Burp Cloth Holdings · Present · 1 mo
- Championed a retro black-and-white art style in month one, rating bold stripes a perfect 10 and every pastel a 2.
- Built a classic difficulty curve into every day: easy mornings, a tricky late afternoon, and expert mode from 2 to 4 a.m.
- Upskilled 5 grown-ups in the one-handed diaper change within the first month.
Skills
Boss-level nap resistance · Zero-filter facial feedback · Front-carrier ride-alongs
Endorsement
“Leadership filed the 3 a.m. wake-up as a bug. Amara closed it as 'working as intended.'”
Recommendation
The moment Amara is picked up, the crying stops. Issue raised, issue resolved, no follow-up needed.The Sleep Sack
Latest post
Leadership rolled out a new 'drowsy but awake' process tonight. I've tested it thoroughly and can confirm it is not working as intended. #QA
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Rapid iteration | Knocks down every tower, requests version two immediately
About
I continue to be genuinely surprised by peekaboo, the kind of fresh perspective every organization needs. I bring a hands-on approach to everything within reach, and several things that were supposedly out of reach. I scatter hidden collectibles across every level of the house: a cracker in a boot, a spoon in the laundry basket, and one sock nobody has found yet.
Experience
Pre-Verbal Quality Assurance Lead of Time Zone Alignment
Diaper Pail Waste Management · Present · 3 mos
- Shipped version 2.0 of secret-level discovery, with major new features and none of the fixes leadership requested.
- Added particle effects to every meal: a burst of rice, a fine mist of puree, and one pea launched clear across the kitchen.
- Generated 1,000+ organic compliments per month at the grocery store alone.
- Paused all household operations for 45 minutes by falling asleep in someone's arms, and no one dared to move.
Skills
Level-up celebrations · Firm-handshake fundamentals · Button-mashing playtests
Endorsement
“Zero tolerance for latency. A two-second delay on the pacifier gets a full-volume response.”
Recommendation
A single sneeze from Rowan and the entire household stops to react. Rarely have I seen that kind of cross-functional alignment.The Wooden Spoon
Latest post
Patch notes, version 0.3: Added one new facial expression (deeply concerned). Improved eye contact. Known issue: still runs at full volume after midnight. #ReleaseNotes
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Cleanup crew lead | Every toy put away, then immediately redeployed
About
Occasionally I enter stealth mode, which leadership has learned almost always means I've found a marker. I serve on every committee in the household, usually from the lap of whoever called the meeting. I scatter hidden collectibles across every level of the house: a cracker in a boot, a spoon in the laundry basket, and one sock nobody has found yet.
Experience
Honorary Boss Battle Designer of Household Key Management
Sleep Regression Research Institute · Present · 11 mos
- Timed every wake-up to the exact moment leadership sat down to eat, with 100% precision.
- Force-quit leadership's workday by closing the laptop mid-sentence and ending the meeting for everyone.
- Made 12 surprise cameo appearances on leadership's video calls this month, each rated the highlight of the meeting.
- Shipped a new hallway level every evening, with 40 blocks placed exactly where a grown-up's bare foot would land.
Skills
Mirroring techniques · Pre-dawn kickoffs · Full-body stretch goals
Endorsement
“Took cabinet access from beta to full release in one week. No QA, total confidence.”
Recommendation
Every afternoon, Leo builds a new level across the living room: cushions for platforms, a blanket tunnel, and a stuffed bear guarding the finish. Every grown-up has to play it through on hands and knees, with sound effects. Best level designer I know.The Wipes Dispenser
Latest post
Shipped a major new feature this week: I can now open the bottom drawer. Leadership has logged it as a bug and is already working on a patch. #NotABug
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The video game designer profile also fits game developer, game tester.
