What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a UX designer? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Design review in progress | I've been studying my own hands since Tuesday
About
I conduct in-depth user research from about eight inches away, studying every face that leans in close. I view every bedtime as a proposal that deserves several rounds of feedback. I thrive in fast-paced environments, particularly the night before a major deliverable is due.
Experience
Commissioner of Swaddle Compliance
Lullaby Broadcasting Network · Present · 1 mo
- Increased household laundry to 3 loads a day, up 200% since day one.
- A/B tested singing versus silence at bedtime; silence was rejected in under four seconds.
- Granted leadership a 15-minute break by dozing off, then revoked it after 90 seconds with no advance notice.
- Held a 40-minute all-hands with an air vent, achieving full alignment.
Skills
Witching-hour escalations · Long-stare user research · Overnight power posing
Endorsement
“Has been reviewing the hanging toy on the play gym for twenty minutes and still has notes.”
Recommendation
Most tech companies spend years trying to make users feel special. Ava does it with one long, wide-eyed look, and nobody who gets that look is ever quite the same.A Very Tired Night-Light
Latest post
Leadership has now read four books about baby sleep. I have read zero and remain the undisputed market leader. #ThoughtLeadership
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Ships a minimum viable nap | 20 minutes, then straight to user feedback
About
I run a hands-on discovery phase in every new room, and every finding goes straight into my mouth for review. I conduct in-depth user research from about eight inches away, studying every face that leans in close. A firm believer in white space, I've personally cleared every low shelf in the house to prove the point.
Experience
Visionary Facilities Manager of Tummy Time Grievances
Shape Sorter Precision Parts · Present · 3 mos
- Sent a spoonful of peas back to the kitchen within seconds of delivery, no reason given.
- Launched a new splash page at every bath, soaking every grown-up within a three-foot radius.
Skills
Zero-instruction button discovery · Well-timed charm offensives · Long-stare user research
Endorsement
“Brings real passion to user testing. Tried the new bouncer for four seconds and filed a very loud review.”
Recommendation
Sage made it clear early on that cold wipes are a deal-breaker. The household now warms every single one, and I have never seen a stakeholder negotiate better terms.The White Noise Machine
Latest post
Shipped a major new feature this week: I can now open the bottom drawer. Leadership has logged it as a bug and is already working on a patch. #NotABug
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Moves the needle | Also the pen, the phone, and everyone's glasses
About
A firm believer in white space, I've personally cleared every low shelf in the house to prove the point. I run a hands-on discovery phase in every new room, and every finding goes straight into my mouth for review. I deliver long, heartfelt speeches in fluent lorem ipsum: every sentence has the shape of real copy, and everyone nods along.
Experience
Commissioner of Wall Whiteboarding
Puree Pouch Distribution · Present · 11 mos
- Sent the snack cup back for four rounds of revisions: wrong color, wrong lid, wrong cup, then the original cup again.
- A/B tested singing versus silence at bedtime; silence was rejected in under four seconds.
- Launched a new splash page at every bath, soaking every grown-up within a three-foot radius.
Skills
Large-format murals · Long-stare user research · Kitchen user-journey mapping
Endorsement
“Treats every 'no' like a pop-up error: dismissed instantly, then the same action tried again.”
Recommendation
Since Ezra became the primary user, this whole house has been redesigned: gates on the stairs, latches on every cabinet, and anything breakable moved to the top shelf. I've never seen user-centered design taken this seriously.The Creaky Floorboard
Latest post
Q3 results are in: 212 items dropped from the high chair, zero retrieved by me. Huge thanks to our ground crew for their tireless support. #Teamwork
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The UX designer profile also fits product designer, UI designer, UX researcher, web designer.
