What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an artist? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Priceless original | Not for sale, and on loan to visitors five minutes at a time
About
I draw gallery-style crowds: visitors arrive speaking in a hush, hands clasped behind their backs, leaning in close to admire the work. I've reshaped the household budget so thoroughly that wipes now have their own line item, and it's the fastest-growing one. I oversee a lean team at Missing Sock Recovery Services, where every grown-up is cross-trained in the one specific hold I'll accept.
Experience
Recently Promoted Studio Director of Spit-Up Distribution
Onesie Global · Present · 1 mo
- Took on every grown-up in the house as an apprentice in week one and trained each in the fine craft of the 3 a.m. sway.
- Timed every wake-up to the exact moment leadership sat down to eat, with 100% precision.
- Turned every grown-up in the house into a devoted miniaturist within a week, studying ten tiny fingers for whole afternoons.
- Stayed fully offline for an entire three-hour visit, then came online the second the guests walked out the door.
Skills
Close study of light and shadow · Middle-distance visioning · Sleepy-smile brand building
Endorsement
“Instant feedback loop. Every lullaby gets rated in real time, eyes open or eyes closed.”
Recommendation
Art is supposed to move people. Ava has moved every grown-up in this house to happy tears, usually while doing nothing more than sleeping. I have never seen a stronger body of work.The Bouncy Seat
Latest post
Today's nap went exactly to plan: 45 minutes, in arms, with leadership not moving a single muscle the entire time. Teamwork makes the dream work. #Teamwork
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Strong opinions on brushwork | The hairbrush is not permitted in the studio
About
I draw gallery-style crowds: visitors arrive speaking in a hush, hands clasped behind their backs, leaning in close to admire the work. I'm open to opportunities in mixed-media work in yogurt, provided the package includes unlimited cuddles and a flexible nap policy. I take a sculptor's approach to every banana, squeezing, shaping, and studying the form before committing to a single bite.
Experience
Award-Winning Studio Director of Drool Management
Baby Gate Security Group · Present · 3 mos
- Aligned the entire leadership team on one priority within seconds: getting the pot lid back.
- Took on every grown-up in the house as an apprentice in week one and trained each in the fine craft of the 3 a.m. sway.
- Installed the wallet as a site-specific sculpture in the middle of the hallway, where it remains on view.
- Grew nighttime stakeholder engagement 400% month over month.
Skills
Splash-based performance art · Dropped-toy delegation · Close study of light and shadow
Endorsement
“After every meal, Sage needs a 'wet paint' sign more than any fresh mural in town.”
Recommendation
Every artist dreams of a critic like Sage. Each new face gets a long, silent study, brow furrowed, not a flicker of reaction, and then, at last, a huge gummy smile. Rave reviews are worth the wait.The Baby Gate
Latest post
Open studio today from 10 to 10:40, or until I fall asleep, whichever comes first. Visitors may admire quietly. No flash photography, please. #OpenStudio
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Priceless original | Not for sale, and on loan to visitors five minutes at a time
About
My palette is warm and limited: sweet potato, banana, and avocado, applied by hand to every inch of the high chair tray. I treat every walk as a sourcing trip and come home with the season's rarest materials: two pinecones, one crunchy leaf, and a perfectly smooth rock. I'm known for strong opinions, communicated at volume.
Experience
Founder of Peekaboo Product Development
Scribble & Co. · Present · 11 mos
- Grew the household art collection 7,000% in a year, from two framed prints to 140 crayon originals on every door in the house.
- Ensured full compliance with the 'never wake a sleeping baby' guideline by handling every wake-up personally.
- Added hand-carved detailing along the entire crib rail in one month, working with just 2 front teeth.
- Made 6 unscheduled guest appearances in the grown-ups' video meetings this quarter, all to strong reviews.
Skills
Mixed-media work in yogurt · Sculpture in play dough · Splash-based performance art
Endorsement
“Offers hands-on art direction, usually by reaching for the pencil halfway through a line.”
Recommendation
I've watched Ezra turn a routine diaper change into a full contract renegotiation, complete with kicking and a strong walk-away position.The Onesie
Latest post
Secured a firm grip on leadership's finger today. Not letting go until the deal closes. #Closing
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The artist profile also fits calligrapher, ceramicist, fine artist, glassblower, muralist, printmaker, sculptor.
