What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a graphic designer? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Flexible hours: sleeps all day, available all night.
About
My baby monitor feed has the highest viewership in the household, with a loyal overnight audience. Every yawn of mine gets the full motion-design treatment: a slow build, a long hold, and a perfect, easy fade-out. A true believer in hustle culture, I consider every nap a meeting that could have been an email and decline accordingly.
Experience
General Manager of Hiccup Incident Management
Missing Sock Recovery Services · Present · 1 mo
- Rotated the crew through 4 soothing holds per shift before settling on the least convenient one.
- Took 100% of burp cloths to full bleed: spit-up edge to edge, with zero margins.
Skills
Camera roll domination · Hiccup management · White-noise vendor loyalty
Endorsement
“Makes the whole crew better at the job. Half of us now sway while standing still.”
Recommendation
Play Gym Worldwide brought in Jonah as creative director, and everything changed: the soundtrack, the set design, the hours. Especially the hours. That is what a bold creative vision looks like.The Sun Hat
Latest post
Big news: I've replaced the household alarm clock. Better reliability, no snooze button, and no need to be plugged in. #Upgrade
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Launches every new food as a pilot program | None approved for full rollout
About
I've gone through a dozen rebrands already, wearing every new nickname the household invents with total confidence. I've reshaped the household budget so thoroughly that wipes now have their own line item, and it's the fastest-growing one. I push back hard on any initiative that involves pulling something over my head.
Experience
Executive Art Director of Gummy Smile Deployment
Blackout Curtain Industries · Present · 3 mos
- Took 100% of burp cloths to full bleed: spit-up edge to edge, with zero margins.
- Hit 100% of my quarterly action-plan goals: locate the keys, secure the keys, and shake the keys at full volume.
- Generated a 300% lift in household use of the word 'aww.'
Skills
Fingerprint art on every window · Block tower redesigns · Full-floor toy layouts
Endorsement
“Nobody sells a design presentation like Ellis: one gummy grin at the start, and the whole room is sold.”
Recommendation
Every single time someone reappears from behind their hands, Ellis is shocked and delighted all over again. Customer retention like that is unheard of.The White Noise Machine
Latest post
Quick note to leadership: I no longer work for exposure. All future photo shoots require payment up front, in crackers. #KnowYourWorth
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Built-in alarm clock | No snooze button, no off switch, no set time
About
A firm believer in white space, I've personally cleared every low shelf in the house to prove the point. I conduct thorough due diligence on every face that enters the room, usually without blinking. I give feedback like a classic client: 'Not that one. Not that one either. Actually, go back to the first one.'
Experience
Certified Design Lead of Mobile Device Procurement
Rattle & Roll Inc. · Present · 11 mos
- Sent the snack cup back for four rounds of revisions: wrong color, wrong lid, wrong cup, then the original cup again.
- Relabeled the entire pantry by peeling the label off every can within reach.
- Resolved every open issue upon being picked up, then reopened all tickets upon being put down.
- Lined up 22 toy cars with typographer-level kerning and flagged the instant one drifted out of alignment.
Skills
Sweet-potato color palettes · Catnap optimization · Fingerprint art on every window
Endorsement
“Signs everything in triplicate: one sticky print on the page, one on the table, and one on leadership's sleeve.”
Recommendation
Tonight's bedtime went through more versions than any document on leadership's laptop: bedtime, bedtime_final, bedtime_FINAL_final, and bedtime_final_v4. Amara sent every draft back for revisions. That is an editor with standards.The Teething Ring
Latest post
Leadership keeps saying I'll 'sleep like a baby.' I've reviewed the policy in full and can find no such requirement. #Compliance
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The graphic designer profile also fits art director, creative director, motion graphics designer.
