What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be an author? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Enjoys wide circulation | Passed arm to arm at every gathering
About
I study the ceiling light with the furrowed brow of an editor on the last page of a very long manuscript. I've quietly become the household's most-used device: picked up hundreds of times a day, never once left on silent. I regularly keep leadership on the clock well past quitting time and have yet to approve a single hour of overtime.
Experience
Honorary Facilities Manager of Pacifier Ejection Systems
Pacifier University Press · Present · 1 mo
- Lowered the average temperature of household dinners by 40 degrees across 90 consecutive evenings.
- Earned rave reviews from the whole household for a single four-hour stretch of sleep, still quoted weeks later.
- Cleared leadership's entire social calendar through the end of the fiscal year, no explanation required.
- Doubled the household's daily word count; every grown-up now narrates each diaper change aloud.
Skills
Cliffhanger nap endings · White-noise vendor loyalty · Tiered cry messaging
Endorsement
“Moves the needle every time, usually on the baby monitor's volume meter.”
Recommendation
Every great playwright writes dialogue. Naomi is currently drafting a long, animated exchange with the ceiling fan, cooing and then pausing politely for its replies.The Vacuum Cleaner
Latest post
Big thanks to my ghostwriters, every grown-up in this house, for voicing my thoughts all day in a tiny, squeaky voice. I have not approved a single line. #Ghostwriting
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Proving print isn't dead, one chewed catalog at a time
About
I return every draft of dinner with extensive markup, most of it on the tray and some of it on the wall. I formally object to tummy time and have asked for it to be revisited in the next review cycle. I fact-check every picture book personally, pointing at each animal until a grown-up confirms that yes, that is a duck.
Experience
Strategic Acquisitions Director of Hiccup Incident Management
Block Tower Development Corp. · Present · 3 mos
- Earned rave reviews from the whole household for a single four-hour stretch of sleep, still quoted weeks later.
- Eliminated the need for alarm clocks company-wide with a reliable 5 a.m. wake-up service.
Skills
Dropped-toy delegation · Aggressive board book edits · Giggle-based customer retention
Endorsement
“Wrote the book on dramatic read-alouds in babble, then personally chewed through the first edition.”
Recommendation
Reese is open to most terms, but a cold wipe is a dealbreaker, announced at full volume. I respect a client who knows exactly where the line is.The Dishwasher
Latest post
Secured a firm grip on leadership's finger today. Not letting go until the deal closes. #Closing
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Follow-up specialist | Checks back every 30 seconds on anything promised for 'later'
About
I return every draft of dinner with extensive markup, most of it on the tray and some of it on the wall. I'm the household's most rigorous fact-checker: skip a single page of the bedtime story, and I'll demand a correction on the spot. I fact-check every picture book personally, pointing at each animal until a grown-up confirms that yes, that is a duck.
Experience
Teething Contributing Writer of Footwear Noncompliance
Rubber Duck Maritime Ltd. · Present · 11 mos
- Returned a banana for being broken in half and demanded a full replacement.
- Enforced a hard deadline on 22 grown-up drafts this week by closing the laptop mid-sentence.
- Doubled the household's daily word count; every grown-up now narrates each diaper change aloud.
Skills
Dramatic read-alouds in babble · Five-whys analysis · Bedtime story fact-checking
Endorsement
“Holds all reading material to a plain-language standard: five words a page, big pictures, at least one duck.”
Recommendation
Every screenwriter knows the rule: show, don't tell. Liam has mastered it. Hungry, tired, bored, or thrilled, they never explain a thing, and the whole household still gets the message instantly.The Hallway Wall
Latest post
Honored to be featured on leadership's lock screen. And home screen. And every other screen in the house. #Featured
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The author profile also fits columnist, copywriter, editor, freelance writer, screenwriter, technical writer.
