What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a photographer? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Out of office: napping | Will respond upon waking, at full volume
About
I retain full image rights and approve roughly one out of every two hundred photos the household takes. My peak work happens between 2 and 4 a.m. Each day I offer a strict eleven-minute window of fed, rested, and smiling, and the whole crew has learned to shoot fast.
Experience
Staff On-Call Lead of Pacifier Ejection Systems
Onesie Global · Present · 1 mo
- Rolled out a household-wide sniff check, now performed 20 times a day with a 95% accuracy rate.
- Upskilled 5 grown-ups in the one-handed diaper change within the first month.
Skills
Executive-level staring · Mid-change surprise deliverables · Perfectly timed blinks
Endorsement
“Built a network the fast way: gripped the finger of every visitor who leaned in.”
Recommendation
Once a month, Jalen stars in a new photo series with a fresh sign and a new backdrop, and every installment outperforms the last. Most brands can only dream of that kind of consistency.The Swaddle
Latest post
Wrapped a professional photo shoot this morning. 212 frames, and I'm looking at the ceiling fan in 211 of them. The other one is blurry. #BehindTheScenes
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Launches every new food as a pilot program | None approved for full rollout
About
I conduct thorough due diligence on every face that enters the room, usually without blinking. I hand out warm, encouraging smiles in my sleep, and leadership has chosen to count every one as positive feedback. The household calendar is mine now, and every plan comes with the same footnote: depending on naps.
Experience
Auditor of Gummy Smile Deployment
Teething Ring Technologies · Present · 3 mos
- Locked focus on a moving subject for 10 straight minutes, tracking one grown-up's face back and forth across the room.
- Completed an in-depth, 30-minute audit of the washing machine on spin cycle without a single break.
- Photobombed 40 group photos this quarter, crawling into frame just as the self-timer hit zero.
- Reached for the lens in 100% of selfies this quarter, adding a soft-focus thumb to every shot.
Skills
Perfectly timed blinks · Motion-blur portraiture · Off-camera smiling
Endorsement
“Squints hard at any light that's too bright. Honest notes on every setup.”
Recommendation
Most talent needs a full crew to land one good shot. Harper needs one grown-up flat on the floor, a squeaky toy held right above the lens, and a second grown-up asking 'where's the baby?' in a very high voice. Worth it every single time.The Burp Cloth
Latest post
Operating at reduced capacity this week due to a teething rollout. Please direct all urgent matters to my frozen washcloth. #OutOfOffice
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Hard deadlines only | Snack time is 10:00, not 10:01
About
A true believer in hustle culture, I consider every nap a meeting that could have been an email and decline accordingly. I save my most dramatic material for golden hour, right when the light is perfect and nobody can get a calm shot. My appetite runs on a classic feast-or-famine model: three bananas on Monday, a single pea on Tuesday.
Experience
Steward of Laundry Generation
Shape Sorter Precision Parts · Present · 11 mos
- Mandated full dark mode in the nursery: blackout shades, one dim light, and zero talking after 7 p.m.
- Requested playback after every photo this month and approved nothing until reviewing each one personally on the screen.
Skills
Motion-blur portraiture · Perfectly timed blinks · Cold-wipe customer complaints
Endorsement
“Brings out the best in every grown-up in the house. Nobody here knew they could do that many silly voices.”
Recommendation
A good photojournalist always runs toward the story. Naomi has the instinct already: a pot lid hits the floor, the doorbell rings, someone laughs two rooms away, and the first reporter on the scene is already pointing and filing a one-word report: 'Uh-oh!'The Crib Rail
Latest post
Everyone keeps asking me to 'use my words.' Respectfully, they're still in the drafting stage. #FirstDraft
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The photographer profile also fits photojournalist.
