What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a baker? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Powering down for bed: 45 minutes | Powering back up: half a second
About
I return every smile with interest, often adding a happy kick as a bonus. I curl up for every nap like a perfect cinnamon roll, easily the sweetest thing in the display case. My wardrobe is built like a layer cake: bodysuit, sleeper, sweater, and one tiny hat on top as the finishing touch.
Experience
Commissioner of Ceiling Fan Appreciation
Swaddle & Crew · Present · 1 mo
- Reviewed every available soothing method, including 2 rockers and 1 swing, and formally adopted the exercise ball.
- Drew 14 visitors in the first month, a longer line than the bakery sees on a Saturday morning.
Skills
Pre-dawn bakery hours · Swaddle exit strategy · Vocal range
Endorsement
“Closes every meal with a burp that earns a round of applause from leadership.”
Recommendation
Few colleagues bring this much energy while the groceries are still in the car. I've learned to expect it.The White Noise Machine
Latest post
Humbled to be named Employee of the Quarter again. I couldn't have done it without the white noise machine, the rocking chair, and a team that has fully made peace with cold dinners. #Recognition
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Reese
6 mos old · Future Baker
Rises earlier than the dough | Ready for the first bake by 4 a.m.
About
My wardrobe is built like a layer cake: bodysuit, sleeper, sweater, and one tiny hat on top as the finishing touch. I return every smile with interest, often adding a happy kick as a bonus. I'm currently using 100% of the household's bandwidth and have already put in a request for more.
Experience
Head of Time Zone Alignment
Bib & Spoon Partners · Present · 3 mos
- Awarded more smiles to the bathroom mirror than to any other stakeholder this quarter.
- Moved the grown-ups' bedtime up to 8:30 p.m., earning the whole household a spot with the early-shift crowd.
- Stretched the time needed to leave the house from 5 minutes to 45, thanks to a full equipment load-out for every outing.
- Expanded a single hiccup into a 20-minute sustained campaign, well above forecast.
Skills
Pre-dawn bakery hours · Company-wide whisper mandate · Advanced patty-cake
Endorsement
“Drove more unscheduled wardrobe changes this quarter than anyone on the team.”
Recommendation
Reese once looked at me for forty minutes without blinking. No one has ever understood my vision like that.The Camera Roll
Latest post
Leadership now narrates everything for me: 'Now we're changing your diaper. Now we're putting on socks. Now we're going outside.' Love a vendor who confirms next steps. #NextSteps
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Decorating lead | House standard: more sprinkles than cookie
About
Skip a page of a bedtime story and I'll catch it, sending the job straight back for rework. I measure everything at mealtime by the fistful, like an old-school baker who has never once needed a recipe card. I test the crumb on every cracker personally, then file the results deep in the car seat.
Experience
Managing Director of Low-Hanging Fruit Acquisition
Puree Pouch Distribution · Present · 11 mos
- Moved the grown-ups' bedtime up to 8:30 p.m., earning the whole household a spot with the early-shift crowd.
- Secured leadership buy-in for 22 consecutive airplane rides around the living room, each requested with one word: 'again.'
- Vetoed every over-the-head outfit change within milliseconds of the proposal.
- Reduced a full bowl of yogurt to a light glaze across the tray, the table, and both eyebrows.
Skills
Crumb-coating the high chair · Advanced patty-cake · Full-body stretch goals
Endorsement
“Approaches every cake tasting with total commitment: both hands, no fork, and frosting up to the elbows.”
Recommendation
Ezra built a practice in eyewear removal services from the ground up with zero budget and zero headcount, and it is already the fastest-growing department in the house.The Teething Ring
Latest post
Big day in the test kitchen: I helped bake cookies. My contributions were stirring, stirring the counter, and quality-checking the chocolate chips before they went in. Leadership says the batch came out a little light on chips. #TestKitchen
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The baker profile also fits cake decorator, pastry chef.
