What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a chef? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Always available to be picked up | Days, nights, doubles, any open shift
About
I have every grown-up in the house wearing a towel over one shoulder all day, like a line cook mid-shift, for reasons I consider obvious. I keep the whole household on true kitchen hours: up before dawn, busiest at dinner, and still going long after close. I set the pace for the whole operation: whenever I get hungry, it's the lunch rush, no matter what the clock says.
Experience
Executive Chef of Time Zone Alignment
Crib Sheet Mills · Present · 1 mo
- Ordered the 12-course tasting menu every day of my first month: tiny portions, served every two hours, around the clock.
- Required every nap to be cooked low and slow: 40 minutes of gentle rocking, no shortcuts, and no turning up the heat.
- Optimized every restaurant outing down to 25 minutes, including a mandatory lap of the parking lot.
Skills
Full-volume order-up calls · Close-range face studies · Org-wide yawn cascading
Endorsement
“Runs the cleanest station in town. Nobody touches Maya without washing up first.”
Recommendation
In Maya's first few weeks, the grown-ups here picked up a whole set of new job titles: chief swayer, head burper, director of shushing. That's a full org-chart restructure, and nobody even asked for a raise.The Crib Mobile
Latest post
Wore a crisp white outfit today, like a true kitchen pro. It stayed white for four minutes. That's life on the line. #ChefWhites
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Rowan
6 mos old · Future Chef
Refined palate | Currently sampling banana, board book, and a hint of sock
About
I set the pace for the whole operation: whenever I get hungry, it's the lunch rush, no matter what the clock says. I source nearly every meal from leadership's plate, which remains my only approved vendor. Thanks to me, leadership eats like the crew on a double shift: standing at the counter, in four minutes flat.
Experience
Head of Burp Yield Optimization
Tissue Box Excavation Ltd. · Present · 3 mos
- Locked in a 45-minute hold on leadership's finger with no exit strategy in sight.
- Converted every grown-up plate at dinner into a self-serve buffet while leaving my own plate untouched.
Skills
Bent-elbow sleeve defense · Abstract high-chair plating · Sending plates back to the kitchen
Endorsement
“Runs the same drop test at every meal and documents each result on the floor.”
Recommendation
The first cry of the morning hits this house like a lunch rush: everyone moving, nobody talking, and every order out in record time. Rowan gets this whole crew into service mode before anyone has had coffee.The Teething Ring
Latest post
Currently operating under 14 different usernames, including Bean, Nugget, and Captain Squish. Leadership insists it's all one account. #Identity
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Keeps a tidy station | Lines up every cracker in a row before a single one gets eaten
About
Thanks to me, leadership eats like the crew on a double shift: standing at the counter, in four minutes flat. I source nearly every meal from leadership's plate, which remains my only approved vendor. I recently rolled out a strict in-office policy: wherever leadership goes, I follow, bathroom included.
Experience
Executive Chef of Just-in-Time Diaper Deliveries
Wet Wipes Worldwide · Present · 11 mos
- Ran 30 inventory checks on the fridge in one afternoon, holding the door wide open for every count.
- Called an unscheduled all-hands at 3 a.m., with 100% attendance.
- Rerouted a sit-down dinner reservation into a to-go order within four minutes of being seated.
Skills
One-word executive summaries · Full-volume order-up calls · Garnish removal
Endorsement
“Believes in clean as you go. Theo goes, and the grown-ups clean.”
Recommendation
Every night during dinner prep, Theo claims a station on the kitchen floor with a wooden spoon and an empty pot, and stirs with total focus. Nothing is ever cooked. Nobody on any line has shown more commitment to the craft.The Pacifier
Latest post
Soft-launched a pop-up restaurant in the play kitchen today. Everything on the menu is plastic, everything is served 'hot,' and every guest must blow on it first. Reservations recommended. #SoftOpening
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
The chef profile also fits caterer, line cook, personal chef, prep cook, sous chef.
