What would your baby's LinkedIn profile say if they grew up to be a massage therapist? Here are three Professional Baby profiles written in the language of the job, one for a newborn, one for an infant and one for a toddler. Every line was written ahead of time and approved through a human-led review.
Enforces a 24-hour cancellation policy | Cancels naps with zero notice
About
I believe every good session starts with touch, and I keep one hand on a grown-up at all times, even while fast asleep. I demonstrate perfect relaxation technique after every meal: arms flopped, mouth open, not one tense muscle anywhere. My calendar is remarkably full for someone who sleeps most of the day: feeds, changes, photo shoots, and visitors, back to back.
Experience
Commissioner of Work-From-Home Interruptions
Footie Pajama Outfitters · Present · 1 mo
- Called an unscheduled all-hands at the first bite of a warm dinner, with 100% attendance.
- Optimized every restaurant outing down to 25 minutes, including a mandatory lap of the parking lot.
- Rejected all remote-work arrangements in favor of being held, full-time and in person.
Skills
Lotion-time relaxation techniques · Middle-distance visioning · Bedtime second winds
Endorsement
“Big on work-life integration. Every laptop session now comes with Amara on the lap.”
Recommendation
Nobody leaves an appointment with Amara unchanged: there's always a damp spot on the shoulder and a grin that lasts the rest of the day. I've never seen anyone leave a more lasting impression on a client.The Bassinet
Latest post
Honored to be named Employee of the Month at Swaddle & Crew again. Every month since I started, in fact. Voting remains open to exactly one candidate. #Recognition
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Treatment-room standards for every nap | Lights low, voices lower, phones on silent
About
I examine every hand within reach one finger at a time, with the quiet focus of a practitioner on a first visit. I demonstrate perfect relaxation technique after every meal: arms flopped, mouth open, not one tense muscle anywhere. I turn every lunch into a full spa service: yogurt facial, sweet potato hair treatment, and a banana hand mask to finish.
Experience
Corner-Office Spa Director of Just-in-Time Diaper Deliveries
White Noise Lodge & Spa · Present · 3 mos
- Reclassified 100% of leadership's wardrobe as burp cloths within 30 days.
- Locked in a 45-minute hold on leadership's finger with no exit strategy in sight.
- Acquired a hairbrush in a hostile takeover and declined all counteroffers.
Skills
White-noise vendor loyalty · Foot-to-face reflexology · Furniture-to-furniture commuting
Endorsement
“Offers a complimentary scalp treatment with every cuddle, using one tiny fist and a surprisingly firm grip.”
Recommendation
Nobody leaves an appointment with Parker unchanged: there's always a damp spot on the shoulder and a grin that lasts the rest of the day. I've never seen anyone leave a more lasting impression on a client.The Vacuum Cleaner
Latest post
Performance review for the washing machine: 14 loads for me this week without a single complaint. Promoting it to Senior Laundry Partner. #Recognition
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Treatment-room standards for every nap | Lights low, voices lower, phones on silent
About
I show little interest in company-issued toys and a strong preference for whatever leadership is using. I oversee a lean team at White Noise Lodge & Spa, where every grown-up is cross-trained in the one specific hold I'll accept. I turn every lunch into a full spa service: yogurt facial, sweet potato hair treatment, and a banana hand mask to finish.
Experience
Coordinator of Footwear Noncompliance
Sippy Cup Holdings · Present · 11 mos
- Resolved every open issue upon being picked up, then reopened all tickets upon being put down.
- Spent the day's entire snack allocation by 9:05 a.m. under a strict use-it-or-lose-it policy, then declared a new fiscal year at 9:10.
- Handled supply logistics for every diaper change this quarter, fetching the wipes, a fresh diaper, and one unrelated shoe.
Skills
Foot-to-face reflexology · Strategic drooling · Close-range face studies
Endorsement
“Delivers lotion-time relaxation techniques on time, under budget, and at roughly twice the specified volume.”
Recommendation
This quarter alone, Leo audited every low cabinet in the kitchen, pulled all inventory, and left it on the floor for review. Nobody is more thorough.The Bib
Latest post
Mastered the most important skill in any cleanup job this week: looking completely innocent right after the mess. #CleanRecord
See the full profile · Instagram image · Printable PDF
Every profile is different: these are three of thousands of combinations. Add your baby's name, birthday, personality and any big news to make your own, then share it, save it as an image or print it.
